Dream that hurts

It was just a dream, but it hurts me...
I dreamed of you and my confusion, i dreamed of something that i thought i had left behind far years ago, i thought it was the end of all pains by leaving everything behind, by not seeing and contacting each other... by hoping that we all would be fine and happy.
I know i had pressed on you too much, hoping that one day you would change and taste the fruit of your own success... i told the whole world that you would change and progress by yourself and that's why i left, anyway that's time for me to leave. I am not Goddess, i can't do much for someone else life, not even my own, sometimes. But the truth is, at the bottom of my heart, i am scared what if you gone back to be the old you and let go of everything because there is no one to hold on. I am still afraid of this secretive thought that i have until today. Although my working place is just 15 minutes from where you work, and i have been working here for more than a year, yet i do not have the courage to contact you and sometimes not even have the guts to ask about your condition from friends that i met down on the street sometimes.
But the dream last night awoke me and hurts me once again...

Dream that hurts

It was just a dream, but it hurts me...
I dreamed of you and my confusion, i dreamed of something that i thought i had left behind far years ago, i thought it was the end of all pains by leaving everything behind, by not seeing and contacting each other... by hoping that we all would be fine and happy.
I know i had pressed on you too much, hoping that one day you would change and taste the fruit of your own success... i told the whole world that you would change and progress by yourself and that's why i left, anyway that's time for me to leave. I am not Goddess, i can't do much for someone else life, not even my own, sometimes. But the truth is, at the bottom of my heart, i am scared what if you gone back to be the old you and let go of everything because there is no one to hold on. I am still afraid of this secretive thought that i have until today. Although my working place is just 15 minutes from where you work, and i have been working here for more than a year, yet i do not have the courage to contact you and sometimes not even have the guts to ask about your condition from friends that i met down on the street sometimes.
But the dream last night awoke me and hurts me once again...

When things go wrong

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill
When the funds are low and the debts are high
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh
When care is pressing you down a bit
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns
As every one of us sometimes learns
And many a fellow turns about
When he might have won, had he stuck it out.
Don't give up though the pace seems slow
You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than
It seems to a faint and faltering man;
Often the struggler has given up
When he might have captured the victor's cup;
And he learned too late when the night came down
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt
And you never can tell how close you are
It may be near when it seems afar;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit
It's when things seem worst that you mustn't quit.

Author Unknown

NOVEMBER BABY

---------------NOVEMBER BABY --------------------
Trustworthy and loyal. Very passionate and
dangerous. Wild at times. Knows how to have fun.
S#xy and mysterious. Everyone is drawn towards
your inner and outer beauty and independent
personality. Playful, but secretive. Very emotional
and temperamental sometimes. Meets new people
easily and very social in a group. Fearless and
independent. Can hold their own. Stands out in a
crowd. Essentially very smart. Usually, the
greatest men are born in this month. If you ever
begin a relationship with someone from this month,
hold on to them because their one of a kind. repost
in 5 mins & you will excel in a major event coming
up sometime this month.

One day I wrote her name upon the strand ,by Edmund Spenser

One day I wrote her name upon the strand,
But came the waves and washed it away:
Again I wrote it with a second hand,
But came the tide, and made my pains his prey.
Vain man, said she, that dost in vain assay
A mortal thing so to immortalize!
For I myself shall like to this decay,
And eek my name be wiped out likewise.
Not so (quoth I), let baser things devise
To die in dust, but you shall live by fame:
My verse your virtues rare shall eternize,
And in the heavens write your glorious name;
Where, whenas death shall all the world subdue,
Our love shall live, and later life renew.

My number ~ 7

Number 7

You have got the attraction to anyone out there, you are realistic, very confident, happy, such a talented individual with your education, music, arts, singing, and most importantly acting too. You have real problems with bad temper! If you are a girl, you are popular with the subjects listed above. You give up things for your parents. I mean you value your family status a lot, you will be in the top rank when you reach a certain age. If you are a guy you are popular with girls, you are a very talented too. Most of the number 7s face lots of problems with their marriage life. Only a very few are happy. You have everything in your life, but still always number 7s have some sort of unfullfilness, such worries all their lifetime. It's probably the Lord given you al! l sort of over the standard humans talents and you are about to suffer in family life. So you need to get ready looking for a partner rather than waiting. If you don't, then you might end-up single. So take care with this issue, ok? You are wonderful, friendly, artistic, happy person. You are born to contribute lots to this world!!!

Your best match is 2. Good matches are 1,4 !!!

Unknown

After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises

And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open

With the grace of a woman, Not the grief of a child

And you learn to build all your roads on today,
Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After awhile you learn that even sunshine
Burns if you get too much

So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
In stead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers

And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth,
and you learn and learn...
With every good bye you learn.

Veronica Shoffstall 1971

Life Is A Prison, by Puff

Life is a prison,
Oh God let me out.
No one to listen,
To hear when you shout.

Climb the walls of insanity,
Ride the waves of despair.
If you fall it don't matter,
There's no one to care.

Used to wish for a window,
To see birds, trees and sky,
But you're better without one -
Stops you aiming too high.

Watching freedom is painful,
For those locked away.
Seeing joy, love and happiness,
Another price that you pay.

Strong is good, weak is bad.
Be it false, be it true.
Your mind makes the choice,
And enforces it too.

Cell walls built by society,
With rules to adhere.
If you breach the acceptable,
You had better beware.

Hide the pain, carry on,
Routine is the key.
Don't let on that you're not,
What you're pretending to be.

Lock it all up inside you,
How badly that bodes.
Look out for that one day,
When it all just explodes.

Leaving naught but a shell,
Base functionality too.
But killing all else,
That was uniquely you.

So how do you grow,
With a timebomb inside?
Or how to defuse it,
Without destroying its ride?

You can't.

I wish i could have...

I wish that i would have learned of how to survive and i wish that i would have known of how to be a pretentious...
But as long as i know about myself, i know i would never be someone that i am not...

New Semester

New semester, new students and perhaps a new life... but different feelings...
Missed all the previous students, met some of the previous students during the Orientation week and the feelings is so different...
Went for the interview, everything is so uncertain and indecisive for me...
May God shows me the way...

The Pitch of Sadden

Everything is so fake!!!
Why on earth that we have to trust and distrust, hurting and being hurt...
Losing all the hope and keep hoping again and again, just to find that there is always pain and misery at the end...
Tina told me she doesn't know why but she felt lucky to meet me...
How lucky is one to meet someone in their life, later to only find out that being hurt by someone that you have put up all hope and trust...
I always wanted to be the best friend for people around me, am i too demanding that i hardly feel people try their very best to be one for me.

Dreams

Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.
Hold fast to dreams
For when dreams go
Life is a barren field
Frozen with snow.

~Langston Hughes ~

Love and Being Loved

Loving someone deeply give you courage,
Being deeply loved by someone give you strength...

I love this quote, it means a lot...

Raining Day

It's raining heavily today...
Had lunch with Lat at Balqis and trapped there.
Came back all wet.
Miss those all times whereby we ran and sang in the rain and eating ice-cream.
Things no longer the same and the courage to do the stupidity matters is no longer that strong... yet, there is a part of me hunger for all the craziness and i know that some of the things have etched forever in my heart, nothing can replace and nothing will ever change that.
Raining day is a sad and sorrow day, as if the Almighty is playing His sad tune for those who are sad and despair... I'm always one of them...

Poems to share

Boring Wednesday afternoon, so i have posted some of my favorite poems...
I love poems, and i love literature :-)

Solitude

Laugh, and the world laughs with you;
Weep, and you weep alone;
For the sad old earth must borrow its mirth,
But has trouble enough of its own.
Sing, and the hills will answer;
Sigh, it is lost on the air;
The echoes bound to a joyful sound,
But shrink from voicing care.
Rejoice, and men will seek you;
Grieve, and they turn and go;
They want full measure of all your pleasure,
But they do not need your woe.
Be glad, and your friends are many;
Be sad, and you lose them all-
There are none to decline your nectared wine,
But alone you must drink life's gall.
Feast, and your halls are crowded;
Fast, and the world goes by.
Succeed and give, and it helps you live,
But no man can help you die.
There is room in the halls of pleasure
For a large and lordly train,
But one by one we must all file on
Through the narrow aisles of pain.

Ella Wheeler Wilcox

I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings

The free bird leaps
on the back of the win
and floats downstream
till the current ends
and dips his wings
in the orange sun rays
and dares to claim the sky.

But a bird that stalks
down his narrow cage
can seldom see through
his bars of rage
his wings are clipped and
his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings
with fearful trill
of the things unknown
but longed for still
and is tune is heard
on the distant hillfor the caged bird
sings of freedom

The free bird thinks of another breeze
an the trade winds soft through the sighing trees
and the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright lawn
and he names the sky his own.

But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing

The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom.

Maya Angelou

Start Where You Stand

Start where you stand and never mind the past,
The past won't help you in beginning new,
If you have left it all behind at last
Why, that's enough, you're done with it, you're through;
This is another chapter in the book,
This is another race that you have planned,
Don't give the vanished days a backward look,
Start where you stand.

The world won't care about your old defeats
If you can start anew and win success,
The future is your time, and time is fleet
And there is much of work and strain and stress;
Forget the buried woes and dead despairs,
Here is a brand new trial right at hand,
The future is for him who does and dares,
Start where you stand.

Old failures will not halt, old triumphs aid,
To-day's the thing, to-morrow soon will be;
Get in the fight and face it unafraid,
And leave the past to ancient history;
What has been, has been; yesterday is dead
And by it you are neither blessed nor banned,
Take courage, man, be brave and drive ahead,
Start where you stand.

-Berton Braley

This Too Shall Pass

If I can endure for this minute
Whatever is happening to me,
No matter how heavy my heart is
Or how dark the moment may be

If I can remain calm and quiet
With all the world crashing about me,
Secure in the knowledge God loves me
When everyone else seems to doubt me

If I can but keep on believing
What I know in my heart to be true,
That darkness will fade with the morning
And that this will pass away, too

Then nothing in life can defeat me
For as long as this knowledge remains
I can suffer whatever is happening
For I know God will break all of the chains

That are binding me tight in the darkness
And trying to fill me with fear
For there is no night without dawning
And I know that my morning is near.

-Helen Steiner Rice

Hurt

It is nearly a year that i worked at KMM.
Kala and i have secretly planned for a new job at UNISEL, just waiting for the time to come.
Feel so insecure of many thing in my life.
I need the passion to move further in my career yet i couldn't survive with that amount of salary.
The university that i'm going to apply will be a private university. Although i dislike to work under G, yet it's a norm that you will feel insecure when you are no longer in it. So irony...
Having a hard time during Chinese New Year...
It hurts to face the reality and it suffers to know that you hypnotize yourself all the time to just to escape from certain things that you choose to ignore and don't even want to mention.
I wish i could do better in the future...

It's just me after so long

Friend...
What does it mean anywhere when you aren't willing to help up when you could?
What does it mean when you didn't try hard enough to make things happen for each other?
I couldn't find a right answer for that.
I learned the selfishness in human beings, the natural response and feelings that create the boundaries of all man kind.
Always too lonely, too despair...

He is our refuge and strength

I "preached" in the Christian Fellowship last night and i talked about "He is our refuge and strength"... better than from the first meeting.
I told them i have to stand as i get used to it, as a lecturer... heheee....
My mood somehow being affected by the numbers of students attended last night... i do not know whether they feel uncomfortable with the presence of the lecturers in the meeting or they feel that i or even we are not a good speaker... but i know and understand that even it's only one person attended the meeting, i still need to preach and share the words of God...
So, Brenda, never give up and don't let whatever you see affected your faith and your will to share with the students.
I'm afraid and i have the fear in me every time i prepared my speech and every time i preach, but i know and slowly getting all my faith back. He is always my only refuge and He is always there... He never leave... never...