Regretness

I have been working in this college for 6 months.
Everybody says that i have a good job and will have a good life in the future...
I have never feel it that way and i only realize that i'm having my career when Kala told me so... it's funny... some friends said that i often take things for granted without realizing that i actually have everything that others don't have and they dream for...
i do not know what's exactly is the thing that i want in my life so far and have been thinking about to change my profession for all these while...
until, i got to talk with two of my female students this morning. we had never feel enough of what we have and never will grateful of what we have, keep wanting something that we don't really have or searching something in life as we never have the sense of completeness...
is there a sense of completeness after all?
i told them to grab the chance that they have now and do the best and live the life now to the fullest... while i'm doing and seeing think totaly different from what i had just said to them.
sometimes i wonder how could i actually advise others while i'm not doing what i advised them to... life is just a sacrastic event...
i would have to learn to be grateful, i guess? but at the same time, will i same day left behind all that i wanted so much?
what is destinied for me?
to teach? to touch a life?
i just can't see anything by now...
by the way, my sister is pregnant, i guess?
the ex-boyfriend is being after by the police now...
things that happened in which we thought is bad is not always that bad, i guess?
deep in the bottom of my heart, i regretted so much that i have not helping out Brenna and Chi enough to get out from the place when they asked me to...
i have never felt so bad in my life... never...

My grief

i wrote this few weeks back...

keep asking and wondering around what is the purpose of life this few days.
lots of things happened, as if the whole world is crashing down on me...
what's the meaning of life after all?
to lose someone you love in your life, to suddenly known that you are going to lose someone that you expected to be with you throughout the life, to have to lose something that you took for granted for all these years...
how am i suppose to face all these things?
can i not to think about it?
is there any way that i could ever do to change the situation?
am i not good enough or kind-hearted enough to have these people to be in my life?
what is the thing that God wanted to tell me through all these obstacles?
the pain is unbearable, too much, too painful to even to think about it, even to mention it to God...
where is my faith?
i thought i would never left Him and thought that i can gone through whatever that might happen, thought that i'm strong enough to hold the whole world on my shoulder for those i love...
the pain is unbearable, too unbearable...
feel so helpless and restless now...
get through the darkness and there is light await in front, but how?
through prayer?
i thought about God all the times, but i do not have the guts to even pray, to even pray... why? is that becasue of i'm losing the faith?
too scared to cry, hate it so much that i hold the tears back every time i felt upset, perhaps that's why i don't say the prayer to Him...

Cruel

A 8-10 year-old girl being sexual assaulted and put in a gym bag.
Nobody claimed and no missing kid reported...
Where is the love?
I preached about 'Love Hurts' last night in the Christian Fellowship meeting...
Love hurts, is that the reason why people no longer love people around them and no longer care about anything anymore... as long as those who died has nothing to do with us.
He loves us so much that He died for our sins, but we don't even love people around us nowadays not to mention to die for others...
Will the world one day turn to be a hopeless and restless place?

Boredoom

Life sometimes is so static...
suddenly feel that i don't like teaching at all...
things can be so different after you get into the real working world...
i seldom write, well, actually, i never write anymore...
life is so boring now...