My grief

i wrote this few weeks back...

keep asking and wondering around what is the purpose of life this few days.
lots of things happened, as if the whole world is crashing down on me...
what's the meaning of life after all?
to lose someone you love in your life, to suddenly known that you are going to lose someone that you expected to be with you throughout the life, to have to lose something that you took for granted for all these years...
how am i suppose to face all these things?
can i not to think about it?
is there any way that i could ever do to change the situation?
am i not good enough or kind-hearted enough to have these people to be in my life?
what is the thing that God wanted to tell me through all these obstacles?
the pain is unbearable, too much, too painful to even to think about it, even to mention it to God...
where is my faith?
i thought i would never left Him and thought that i can gone through whatever that might happen, thought that i'm strong enough to hold the whole world on my shoulder for those i love...
the pain is unbearable, too unbearable...
feel so helpless and restless now...
get through the darkness and there is light await in front, but how?
through prayer?
i thought about God all the times, but i do not have the guts to even pray, to even pray... why? is that becasue of i'm losing the faith?
too scared to cry, hate it so much that i hold the tears back every time i felt upset, perhaps that's why i don't say the prayer to Him...