Terrible upset and happy

I was terrible upset today.
There is a class for Pendidikan Khas in the school that I’m doing my practical now. Well, as you know it’s made for the special kids and I went there to say hi whenever I’m free and whenever I feel hopeless toward the kids in the school. I didn’t mean to look down at them or something like that. I just want to be friend and wasn’t it’s something nice there is always someone stop by for a while and say hi to you?!
But, a guy teacher who in charge there said that I should not simply walk in and walk like that. My God! As long as I remember, I told any teacher that I met in there that I WANT TO SAY HI to the kids! Maybe there is once or twice that I didn’t tell, because sometimes there is no teacher inside there.
The tone and the way that he spoke to me upset me. First, I was hurt because of the way he told me to ask for permission and second I thought that a teacher who teaches special kids should be more tolerant and understanding. But it turns up to be the other way. Actually I realized that he doesn’t like either me or my friend(Hooi Chuen) from the first day we reached the school, because he never look at us, as if we were invisible! Well, actually majority of the teachers does not like us. I do not understand is that because we are Chinese or because of we are only so called the practical teachers. Sometimes I’m really disappointed with some of their manner and attitude. Shouldn’t they show some respect to others or perhaps at least act like they are educated and not barbarize! Racism! We even called as “CINA BODOH” and “FUCK YOU” by the students. Worst still, some spit once they pass by us and said that my friend is crazy and pervert. One gang of girls bang my door when I’m teaching in the class, what I do is grabbed them and warn them that they will be died meat if they do it again. It does scare them, of course! Two days ago, I punched some rude students who called me with dirty words and try to molest my butt! I really can’t stand anymore! I wish that I could treat them even better, but I just can’t! It is too much for me to bear! But, of course, there are some good students who treated me nicely. At least I got two classes that comfort me in some ways. Form 1B students are brilliant and hyperactive, I was damn exhausted every time if there is two period classes, as I have to fly around the class like a butterfly (a fat butterfly whose wings is no longer can carries my weight!) to ‘entertain’ them. Form 4 class is a bit weak and the boys are super duper LAZY. Didn’t listen to what I’m teaching, peep at girls all the time, day dream and absent for one to two days every weeks, just like me in my old school days! Great! At last I earn the ‘reward’ back! Because I knew that they won’t pass up they homework, so I do the task as easier as possible, which I can get them to finish in within the period. Well, for the super duper LAZY gang, who don’t even want to hold up their pen to write anything, I just advise them so that they find something to do if they really found that study is not their aim in life and try to be a better person! Luckily, they are those kids that cherish friendship and understanding in some way.
Last two weeks I quarreled with one of other form four class student, who is one of the famous fucker kids in school. He called me with all sort of bad words, I asked him to apologize, but he said he didn’t do wrong by saying like that. Phew! I feel want to punch him and kick his xxxx! If I’m doing my practical here, he is long time die! I rushed to the PK1 room to whom I said things like these…
- Although we are just practical teachers, but I don’t think that we deserve something like that.
- And bla…bla…bla…
She said she will do something, but she never, I believed!
Maybe you think I’m stupid, well, I’m sometimes… after seeing the Pk1 I went to find the guy and asked him whether he wants to apologize or see the discipline teacher (he beats and he jokes with the students, so no matter how many strokes that he gave is still enjoyable for the students plus he is damn pervert! He asked female students if they want him to korek them! Such a terrible xxxxer!) Go back to the student, he said no of course! I was so stupid that I went to see him and even more stupid when I met the PK1 I asked her to talk nicely to the kid and don’t make thing hard for him! I was so damn stupid, but I really can’t hurt other although they make my life miserable. If you think that I’m kind-hearted or soft-hearted, you are damn wrong! I just can’t stand for the uncomfortable feeling that ‘ramba’ in my heart! That’s for my own good!
I have been thinking to change my field for quite a while this lately. Although one of my lecturer who came to observe me last two weeks told me that she wished that every teachers were like me and said that I’m a good teacher that care about my students. I didn’t do much thing really! There is a student in my form 4 class who is sitting in the wheel chair and I’m just showed him personally the thing that he didn’t have chances to look at because I need to use another room with LCD etc and he couldn’t go because of the stair chases. I’m just doing what I think I should do, she found out by her own. I was happy at first but after several seconds it eating me up, because I don’t think that I’m as good as what she thought. Whatever it is I’m glad that she sees something within me and confront me with what I’m doing and that’s more than enough in this kind of situation where even the teachers said something sarcastic about us (practical bla…bla..bla…) UHHHH! Wish that someday I will not become like them! If after years of teaching and I found that I lost the passion toward teaching and kids, then I rather choose to stop! Sometimes we have to earn our living as weight as the responsible that put upon our shoulders! Again, you might feel that I’m stupid!
I did mention about a guy who looks so much like Kent before, right? He is Form 5 student, a runner, didn’t even write a word in his exam paper (just liked Kent!), short but good-looking. I would said that he is quite man. At first, I can’t resist looking at him and now I think I’m addicted to him. I meant seeing him just like seeing Kent in front of me. God! I was crazy! He started to look at me too and this morning he acted differently, abnormal and it was too obvious, it was noticeable! Cute! It’s not fair after all! Actually, honestly, I feel upset when I’m thinking about the day that I leave this school that I have to leave him as well, the same feeling I got every time I leave Kent to KL. Sometimes I’m afraid and confused with my own feeling… as if he is another Kent! Dangerous, I know! I just wish that I could meet Kent as soon as possible.
God! If I do not attach to any relationship, I was the damn crazy female teacher who likes junior guys! Haha…
Love each day!