I was so shocked when HC suddenly told me that Annuar and Ogan were outside of our house, at the time around 11 and it was Monday, the first day to school after the two weeks break. I said it was impossible and asked why they came. Well, I haven’t wake up actually, felt like walking in the dream. But when she said that Eric also came, I rushed down and can’t believe that they are a lot of them, around 7 to 8 peoples and Hendry the spiderman came as well. Hehe…
I asked Eric to come up and I show him the pack of the cigarette that I bought last time, which I already have for 3 of them. I asked him to watch I smoke, he said he doesn’t want and if I do so, he will just go back. I asked him how he felt if he saw me smoking. First, he felt it was not right for a girl to do so and it was not a good thing to do and when I asked him if he feel heart break, he said yes and I told him that was how I feel every time I saw him smoking in front of me. But later he asked a cigar from me and I gave him of course, and he smoked in the toilet.
Yesterday, he didn’t come for the tuition so I went to find him at his friend’s house, Rahman, who broke his leg long time ago. He throw his cigar away when he saw us coming from the back and today he told me that he thought that I didn’t see he threw the cigar away. I smiled to him and he smiled back to me for several times, before he confessed that he had 4 and a half cigar at that day, as he needed to repair motor. I said sarcastically, if I didn’t come he will sure make it 5 and a half. He asked if Kent went back already, I said yes and I brought him to bus station.
I gave him the proverbs that I wrote and a small gift. He said it must made me inconvienece in some way to prepare all these things for him. I said it will not as long as he wants to make changes in his life and study. He saw a love sign at the small gift and he asked me why there is a love there ironically. I knew that he was teasing me, I said I will push him down if he keep saying that. When I talked to Rahman, he made a weird sign to Rahman as if warned him not to tease me… I gave him a flying kissed before went off.
Pais (Opa) told me that he drunk 4 cups of tapai at Rahman’s house and I was so angry with him that I didn’t talk to him after that and he blamed me that I believe in Pais so much. Pais also told me that he took drug last time and they didn’t take it for 1 month, perhaps from the day he promised me to change…
But before this he told me he never takes such thing. Who cares, as long as he changes now…
They told me that it was Eric who wants to come to our house and many of them hurt themselves when climbed over the forest to come here, as there were no teachers around in the school today. I was touch anywhere, at least he still want to come here… by himself.
Pei Woon came back, Three of us walked to Taman Peruna, I didn’t see him but only get to see him on our way back, he smoked while talking to his friend. I came and he was shocked that he gave his cigar to his friend. He said he was changing a tire for his friend. I asked him if he came tonight. He said he asked Opa to come along but he doesn’t want that’s why he didn’t come, I was so damn angry and speechless. I said sarcastically that last time he said he can’t come because he doesn’t have transport, but now said that he was shy. Immediately, he realized that I was angry and he said that he will come later. I pat him at the shoulder and walked away.
I waited for him and I called on 9 o’clock. He said that he almost accident just now and now his motor can’t start. I was worry, after bought a pack of rice, I went to see him at Rahman’s house. He was all right, but his motor seems to be not all right again.
I gave him the rice and asked him to eat. Rahman said that I love this kid, I knocked and smiled, but a bit ambrassed as he walked towards us and when he heard what Rahman said, he smiled as well. If only he will not break his promise again…
We signed at Rahman’s bandage before we went off. His friend brought him with motor and I made a sign asked him to eat and he knocked sincerely, a expression that I rarely get from him.
This morning I woke up on 1p.m and HC was playing the song “Let’s the music heal my soul”, suddenly felt so empty, frightened and lonely, felt hard to leave everything behind… I sms him to tell him how I feel and lastly asked him to change.
Monday, June 12, 2006
A sudden shocked from Kent
Kent came suddenly. He called me the night before. I was so surprised, at first I asked him not to come, but he kept saying that he wanted to come and he already packed everything.
I went to meet him at Masjid Tanah. His uncle dropped him at Alor Gajah and he came to Masjid Tanah by taxi, which cost him RM20.
I was so nervous, but when I got to see him, all the nervous gone away. I was so calm that I was afraid that I didn’t love him anymore after all those things happened here. He said that he wrote a letter to me to tell me how he felt about my decision to stay back here to help Eric… and regarding the entire smoking thing and drank.
We had a long talk and I kept saying that I allowed him to find a better girl, as I felt that he is too nice to be mine and I’m afraid that I will hurt him by the end of the day. However, I asked him to tackle me once again if we really break one day. He said he will not as I might have loved somebody else at that time.
I brought him to Pantai Kundur and found Fizie, but he is not in the shop. I bought him to the places that Hc and me used to hang around. I even brought him to Eric’s house and talked to his mom. Eric came for twice and told me that he cannot come for the tuition. At first, he told me that he broke up with both of his girlfriends and said that he wanted to go to Melaka town and find another new girlfriend, who is nice and know how to look after him. I introduced him to Kent and he was so ashamed and dare not to look straight to Kent while shake hands with Kent. Kent later told me that he can felt that Eric respects me so much. Eric asked when did Kent came and said that he must be worry about me so that he came. I said I didn’t do anything bad why should he worry about me. He and Fitri laughed at one kind after heard what I said. What? What? What?
He came again at the night to tell me the he can’t come for the tuition as he needed to sell his computer to get some money. He asked me if I brought Kent to his place this evening. I said yes and he said that people at this place chaos about me bringing a new boyfriend, I told him I only have this boyfriend, not an old one or not even a new one. He just smiled.
HC, Kent and I went to MP. Kent brought a pink color shirt as I said that I wished to see him wearing something in pink. We took some pictures in front MP. I called Eric asking if he come for the tuition. He said he just came back from Genting and too tired to come. He said that he went there with his girlfriend’s mom. But tonight he told me that is only friend, not girlfriend.
Kent went back this evening. I brought him to eat the famous Chicken Rice Ball at Red House, walked along Jonker Street, ate Mee Curry Rendang, Baba Cendol, Chocolate shake, French fried and bla…bla…bla… he bought me the Teddy Bear that smiled at me yesterday at MP and it looked exactly the same like the one that we saw in Parkson, Kuching last time. I was so happy and he name him Onizuka. Hehe…
He cried in the phone after went back to JB. I was heart break and I was eating ABC and burger in Fardil’s shop at the time he called. He said that he can’t live without me, neither can I. I wish that we will never have to apart like this anymore, but it might take a long time for his parents and family to understand his decision to let go his job at Singapore and come back to Malaysia. Mom called me after received a call from Kent. She asked me to ask Kent to come back to Malaysia…
I went to find Eric and he was ready with a cigarette in his hand. He was surprised and threw his cigarette away when he saw us. I smiled at him and cracked my fingers. He smiled also and told me that he took 4 and a half today. He asked if Kent go back already. I gave him the small present that I bought last week and he said its very inconvenience for me to do so. I said nope, as long as you study and change. He looked at the present and said it was a love there. I laughed myself to die and said that I will push him to the gauge if he said it again. I gave him the proverbs that I wrote and asked him to read a page before he sleeps every night and find dictionary for the unfamiliar words. He said okay. It is the only thing that I can do for him and will be with him even if after I go away later. I talked to his friend, Rahmat and said that I wanted to sign on his injured leg. He said okay, but then I found that Eric is saying something to him as if asking him not to tease me, if I’m not mistaken.
Memorable, first time from the back, 11 June 2006.
I went to meet him at Masjid Tanah. His uncle dropped him at Alor Gajah and he came to Masjid Tanah by taxi, which cost him RM20.
I was so nervous, but when I got to see him, all the nervous gone away. I was so calm that I was afraid that I didn’t love him anymore after all those things happened here. He said that he wrote a letter to me to tell me how he felt about my decision to stay back here to help Eric… and regarding the entire smoking thing and drank.
We had a long talk and I kept saying that I allowed him to find a better girl, as I felt that he is too nice to be mine and I’m afraid that I will hurt him by the end of the day. However, I asked him to tackle me once again if we really break one day. He said he will not as I might have loved somebody else at that time.
I brought him to Pantai Kundur and found Fizie, but he is not in the shop. I bought him to the places that Hc and me used to hang around. I even brought him to Eric’s house and talked to his mom. Eric came for twice and told me that he cannot come for the tuition. At first, he told me that he broke up with both of his girlfriends and said that he wanted to go to Melaka town and find another new girlfriend, who is nice and know how to look after him. I introduced him to Kent and he was so ashamed and dare not to look straight to Kent while shake hands with Kent. Kent later told me that he can felt that Eric respects me so much. Eric asked when did Kent came and said that he must be worry about me so that he came. I said I didn’t do anything bad why should he worry about me. He and Fitri laughed at one kind after heard what I said. What? What? What?
He came again at the night to tell me the he can’t come for the tuition as he needed to sell his computer to get some money. He asked me if I brought Kent to his place this evening. I said yes and he said that people at this place chaos about me bringing a new boyfriend, I told him I only have this boyfriend, not an old one or not even a new one. He just smiled.
HC, Kent and I went to MP. Kent brought a pink color shirt as I said that I wished to see him wearing something in pink. We took some pictures in front MP. I called Eric asking if he come for the tuition. He said he just came back from Genting and too tired to come. He said that he went there with his girlfriend’s mom. But tonight he told me that is only friend, not girlfriend.
Kent went back this evening. I brought him to eat the famous Chicken Rice Ball at Red House, walked along Jonker Street, ate Mee Curry Rendang, Baba Cendol, Chocolate shake, French fried and bla…bla…bla… he bought me the Teddy Bear that smiled at me yesterday at MP and it looked exactly the same like the one that we saw in Parkson, Kuching last time. I was so happy and he name him Onizuka. Hehe…
He cried in the phone after went back to JB. I was heart break and I was eating ABC and burger in Fardil’s shop at the time he called. He said that he can’t live without me, neither can I. I wish that we will never have to apart like this anymore, but it might take a long time for his parents and family to understand his decision to let go his job at Singapore and come back to Malaysia. Mom called me after received a call from Kent. She asked me to ask Kent to come back to Malaysia…
I went to find Eric and he was ready with a cigarette in his hand. He was surprised and threw his cigarette away when he saw us. I smiled at him and cracked my fingers. He smiled also and told me that he took 4 and a half today. He asked if Kent go back already. I gave him the small present that I bought last week and he said its very inconvenience for me to do so. I said nope, as long as you study and change. He looked at the present and said it was a love there. I laughed myself to die and said that I will push him to the gauge if he said it again. I gave him the proverbs that I wrote and asked him to read a page before he sleeps every night and find dictionary for the unfamiliar words. He said okay. It is the only thing that I can do for him and will be with him even if after I go away later. I talked to his friend, Rahmat and said that I wanted to sign on his injured leg. He said okay, but then I found that Eric is saying something to him as if asking him not to tease me, if I’m not mistaken.
Memorable, first time from the back, 11 June 2006.
Sunday, June 04, 2006
Come back from the camp
I just came back from the camp and I was not happy at all.
Eric invited me there and I thought that I could enjoy after what happened on Friday’s night. But it turned to the opposite side.
He only talked to his friends and hung around with his best friend, Darren. I felt totally leave out…
I didn’t talk much to him and some times feel that he is trying to avoid me… was it true, after all? I hate to be treated like that. And, may be at the same time, he feels the same way too, as I control too much.
He called his girlfriend and I thought that he said he didn’t contact them this lately. He talked sweetly beside me and I feel uneasy about that, as I felt being lied again. I do not know why, but some time I do doubted that if he is only playing fool on me. I just can’t stand anymore… the longer the staying the more suffered I am…
I quarreled with Kent and Kent said that he wanted to break for the very first time in our relationship and I was so upset that I need to talk to somebody. I found him and he kept saying that he is tired and want to sleep. He really hurt me, yet I kept asking him to talk to me for a while. I asked him how if tonight is the very last night that we are going to see each other and what he said is that I sounded like forcing. I kept coming back after that and told him about Kent and he said it was not good to make him like that and when I asked him does he think that was my fault too, he said he don’t want to mind other business and I was speechless and hurt. I beat his camp and said that he doesn’t care at all… about me. I waited and waited for him to come out and say something, but he is never going to do that. I felt totally hurt and I kept thinking about to let go and go back, end everything here and forget everything and those I love so much here…
Before that I went to toilet alone and do not know that they started the service. He miss called me and I didn’t even look at him during the service, although I knew that he is looking at me once in a while and he came to shake my hand during the praise and worship.
After the service, I asked him to accompany me to the toilet, but when he said that he is sleepy, I said it is okay, I can go there alone, just that I need a torchlight. He kept saying that he can accompany me. He didn’t talk much. On the way back, I told him that I heard God talking to me during the preaching. Only last night I got to awaken after all these while doing everything with my own ability and not the strength from Him. I said that he still can keep changing even if I go away, as He is the almighty that can do even greater than I am. He kept quite for a while and didn’t say anything. I didn’t even thank him and went to talk to his dad while he sang with his friends behind me…
His dad talked to me and said that he has high expectation and hope towards him, and he hoped that I can change Eric… another expectation and I started to feel the weight on my shoulder. I kept saying he is a good kid; just that he needs guidance and support.
The next morning, I met him on my way to the toilet and he asked shyly if I’m going to take my bath, I said nope! Then, I didn’t talk to him and only read my book. I think he knows what is going on. I talked to 3 pastors. One said I should asked myself how much I feel want to stay here, and another one said that to stay here shouldn’t be a burden for me, If it turns to be a burden, then I would have to go, as I suppose to enjoy, but not suffered and create problems. While the female pastor said that I should go as God put us in a place suit to the time He gave one, and when the time came, I have to go, not to extend and she asked me to evaluate my own emotion, as we are different sexes and this might invite the Satan to come in… I admitted that the Satan did come in once in a while…
But I still can’t make up my mind when they asked me if I have make my decision on the spot, as deep in my heart I knew that it is hard for me to leave now and it is impossible for me to leave… for the time beings… I pray for the whole morning and cried… I read the psalms all over again and again. I’m thirst of His guides and loves… I would never love Eric and other students so much if it is not because of Him…
Do I have to go?
His friends and he took bath and I went down also. I asked him to come, but he didn’t until I kept calling for several times. I’m sure that he tried to avoid seeing me… I apologized to him and asked him if he hates me, he said nope! I’m not sure of how far I could believe in him after so many stupid things I done to him… I asked him how much he loves me as a friend. 50%, 60%, 70% or 10%... he said he loves me but he can’t count it… then, kept saying that he needs to pack thing and went up…
Then, I talked to him nicely and told him that I’m angry with the way that he is talking to me last night and he said that is because he promised me not to lie and will only speak for the true. I was so surprised and speechless; he could be a good liar and big liar… for that. Yet, he spoke for the true any how…
I asked him to go for a movie one day before I went off and he said okay. Hopefully it is really a okay for him. I found that he is hesitated to help every time he saw I’m needed help… I don’t understand, but he did help me up sometimes. Perhaps, I treated him as a man for most of the time and I have certain expectation towards him as a man, so when he can’t do a thing that I asked for, I burst out easily… But, in fact, he is just a kid, perhaps it is too much for him to take… too much for his age…
He did asked me if I needed help when my things fall when I came out from the van, I said I’m okay and I can do it myself. I bit them farewell and I saw him turned his head and looked at me… that’s why it’s hard for me to leave… as I always see hope within him… no matter what he had done and how much he had hurt me…
Last night, some Indonesia girls asked me if I’m marriage, I said nope! They asked who is Eric, isn’t he is my husband? My God! I denied on the very moment and told them I was his teacher, I was so surprised… I’m 23 and he is just a kid! Even his sister thought that I was his girlfriend or sort of thing like that.
He sms me and told me that Arnold wanted to join the camp, but he does not have money, so I said I can lend him first. HC and I rushed back from Pantai Kundur and borrowed RM50 from See Jie’s mom, I was so ashamed, but for the sake of friend, I have to try my best to help.
He drunk 1 cup of alcohol in front of me, so I drunk twice and started to mumbling… he was scared and looked worried. That’s what I wanted him to feel. I talked to him and he accompanied me to walk around, until we have been scolded by two soldiers who stayed there, then only we got up to Arnold’s house. He told me that he used to suck gum and other friends as well and there was one time where they all saw ghosts rounded them and they ran with their entire mind, till one of his friends fell from the motorbike and broke his leg, he is the only one who came back and help. I was proud of him and told him that’s why I love him so much. He told me that he sold burger before, worked at hotel, road sweeper, golf keeper and one of the job that I can’t remember well what was it. He is marvelous!
He promised that he will never drink anymore and that night would be the very last night he drunk. He took it seriously and I’m happy for that. When HC sent me back, he kept asking HC to drive carefully for several times and when HC teased him to follow at the back, he said he can’t stand if he saw something bad happened later. I was disappointed and happy and disappointed and happy… confused. I said to him that I would him worry more and more, so that he can understand my worries better.
Kent can’t accept what I’m doing now, especially the scarifies that I have done for Eric… I tried to talk and seek for his understanding and support, or else, it is hard for me to continue on…
I gave him my new bought Ginvera mabel gel, hopefully it will help his pimple problems. I gave him CD that I burned by my own…
I hate myself! See Jie and Fazerah came to house and I talked to them. Fazerah said although there are a lot of nice teachers here, but none is like me… Hc said that she mentioned a lot about my good thing to her mom…
I sms Arnold and told him about Eric… he is a good listener and said that he will help me up to advice Eric. I didn’t sms Eric to come for the tuition but asked Fazerah to help, as I promised him that I’ll never find him from now on but he will have to find me some time. That would be better, I think?
To stay or to leave?
Yesterday, the fortune cookies told me that I will be run over by a beer truck and we laughed to die, because I just drunk a night before at Arnold house. And below is today fortune…
The myth of romantic love holds that once you’ve fallen in love with the perfect partner, you’re home free. Unfortunately, falling out of love seems to be just as involuntary as falling into it.
Eric invited me there and I thought that I could enjoy after what happened on Friday’s night. But it turned to the opposite side.
He only talked to his friends and hung around with his best friend, Darren. I felt totally leave out…
I didn’t talk much to him and some times feel that he is trying to avoid me… was it true, after all? I hate to be treated like that. And, may be at the same time, he feels the same way too, as I control too much.
He called his girlfriend and I thought that he said he didn’t contact them this lately. He talked sweetly beside me and I feel uneasy about that, as I felt being lied again. I do not know why, but some time I do doubted that if he is only playing fool on me. I just can’t stand anymore… the longer the staying the more suffered I am…
I quarreled with Kent and Kent said that he wanted to break for the very first time in our relationship and I was so upset that I need to talk to somebody. I found him and he kept saying that he is tired and want to sleep. He really hurt me, yet I kept asking him to talk to me for a while. I asked him how if tonight is the very last night that we are going to see each other and what he said is that I sounded like forcing. I kept coming back after that and told him about Kent and he said it was not good to make him like that and when I asked him does he think that was my fault too, he said he don’t want to mind other business and I was speechless and hurt. I beat his camp and said that he doesn’t care at all… about me. I waited and waited for him to come out and say something, but he is never going to do that. I felt totally hurt and I kept thinking about to let go and go back, end everything here and forget everything and those I love so much here…
Before that I went to toilet alone and do not know that they started the service. He miss called me and I didn’t even look at him during the service, although I knew that he is looking at me once in a while and he came to shake my hand during the praise and worship.
After the service, I asked him to accompany me to the toilet, but when he said that he is sleepy, I said it is okay, I can go there alone, just that I need a torchlight. He kept saying that he can accompany me. He didn’t talk much. On the way back, I told him that I heard God talking to me during the preaching. Only last night I got to awaken after all these while doing everything with my own ability and not the strength from Him. I said that he still can keep changing even if I go away, as He is the almighty that can do even greater than I am. He kept quite for a while and didn’t say anything. I didn’t even thank him and went to talk to his dad while he sang with his friends behind me…
His dad talked to me and said that he has high expectation and hope towards him, and he hoped that I can change Eric… another expectation and I started to feel the weight on my shoulder. I kept saying he is a good kid; just that he needs guidance and support.
The next morning, I met him on my way to the toilet and he asked shyly if I’m going to take my bath, I said nope! Then, I didn’t talk to him and only read my book. I think he knows what is going on. I talked to 3 pastors. One said I should asked myself how much I feel want to stay here, and another one said that to stay here shouldn’t be a burden for me, If it turns to be a burden, then I would have to go, as I suppose to enjoy, but not suffered and create problems. While the female pastor said that I should go as God put us in a place suit to the time He gave one, and when the time came, I have to go, not to extend and she asked me to evaluate my own emotion, as we are different sexes and this might invite the Satan to come in… I admitted that the Satan did come in once in a while…
But I still can’t make up my mind when they asked me if I have make my decision on the spot, as deep in my heart I knew that it is hard for me to leave now and it is impossible for me to leave… for the time beings… I pray for the whole morning and cried… I read the psalms all over again and again. I’m thirst of His guides and loves… I would never love Eric and other students so much if it is not because of Him…
Do I have to go?
His friends and he took bath and I went down also. I asked him to come, but he didn’t until I kept calling for several times. I’m sure that he tried to avoid seeing me… I apologized to him and asked him if he hates me, he said nope! I’m not sure of how far I could believe in him after so many stupid things I done to him… I asked him how much he loves me as a friend. 50%, 60%, 70% or 10%... he said he loves me but he can’t count it… then, kept saying that he needs to pack thing and went up…
Then, I talked to him nicely and told him that I’m angry with the way that he is talking to me last night and he said that is because he promised me not to lie and will only speak for the true. I was so surprised and speechless; he could be a good liar and big liar… for that. Yet, he spoke for the true any how…
I asked him to go for a movie one day before I went off and he said okay. Hopefully it is really a okay for him. I found that he is hesitated to help every time he saw I’m needed help… I don’t understand, but he did help me up sometimes. Perhaps, I treated him as a man for most of the time and I have certain expectation towards him as a man, so when he can’t do a thing that I asked for, I burst out easily… But, in fact, he is just a kid, perhaps it is too much for him to take… too much for his age…
He did asked me if I needed help when my things fall when I came out from the van, I said I’m okay and I can do it myself. I bit them farewell and I saw him turned his head and looked at me… that’s why it’s hard for me to leave… as I always see hope within him… no matter what he had done and how much he had hurt me…
Last night, some Indonesia girls asked me if I’m marriage, I said nope! They asked who is Eric, isn’t he is my husband? My God! I denied on the very moment and told them I was his teacher, I was so surprised… I’m 23 and he is just a kid! Even his sister thought that I was his girlfriend or sort of thing like that.
He sms me and told me that Arnold wanted to join the camp, but he does not have money, so I said I can lend him first. HC and I rushed back from Pantai Kundur and borrowed RM50 from See Jie’s mom, I was so ashamed, but for the sake of friend, I have to try my best to help.
He drunk 1 cup of alcohol in front of me, so I drunk twice and started to mumbling… he was scared and looked worried. That’s what I wanted him to feel. I talked to him and he accompanied me to walk around, until we have been scolded by two soldiers who stayed there, then only we got up to Arnold’s house. He told me that he used to suck gum and other friends as well and there was one time where they all saw ghosts rounded them and they ran with their entire mind, till one of his friends fell from the motorbike and broke his leg, he is the only one who came back and help. I was proud of him and told him that’s why I love him so much. He told me that he sold burger before, worked at hotel, road sweeper, golf keeper and one of the job that I can’t remember well what was it. He is marvelous!
He promised that he will never drink anymore and that night would be the very last night he drunk. He took it seriously and I’m happy for that. When HC sent me back, he kept asking HC to drive carefully for several times and when HC teased him to follow at the back, he said he can’t stand if he saw something bad happened later. I was disappointed and happy and disappointed and happy… confused. I said to him that I would him worry more and more, so that he can understand my worries better.
Kent can’t accept what I’m doing now, especially the scarifies that I have done for Eric… I tried to talk and seek for his understanding and support, or else, it is hard for me to continue on…
I gave him my new bought Ginvera mabel gel, hopefully it will help his pimple problems. I gave him CD that I burned by my own…
I hate myself! See Jie and Fazerah came to house and I talked to them. Fazerah said although there are a lot of nice teachers here, but none is like me… Hc said that she mentioned a lot about my good thing to her mom…
I sms Arnold and told him about Eric… he is a good listener and said that he will help me up to advice Eric. I didn’t sms Eric to come for the tuition but asked Fazerah to help, as I promised him that I’ll never find him from now on but he will have to find me some time. That would be better, I think?
To stay or to leave?
Yesterday, the fortune cookies told me that I will be run over by a beer truck and we laughed to die, because I just drunk a night before at Arnold house. And below is today fortune…
The myth of romantic love holds that once you’ve fallen in love with the perfect partner, you’re home free. Unfortunately, falling out of love seems to be just as involuntary as falling into it.
Feel Close?
June 2, 2006
I talked to him last night and everything is still okay. And this morning, he didn’t turn up. I went to find Arnold and he said that he didn’t go to his house and last night the one that went to Senyum with him is not Arnold, but Fais, who admitted on the spot right after I said that he lied to me.
I was so disappointed that I went to find him again at home. He looked unhappy and don’t want to talk at first and his mother talk to him in the language that I don’t understand. Once again, I talked to him in a room and he said that he don’t like to be control for all the time… so I said it is fine and I won’t go to find him anymore, but he must come to find me whenever he feels like it. He said okay.
He told me that he worked in Rivera Hotel every holiday but because SPM is around the corner, so he didn’t work. He said he wants to come for the tuition, but no transport and when his dad is lazy to fetch him. His dad beat him once in a while last time because of lepak and he only lepak during holidays. When I asked him why he lies to me, he said he is afraid if I’ll get angry. I asked him to be honest next time and I beat him to tell him that I hate when others lie to me. When I asked him if he love me, he knocked and it is real touch. He asked about Akhmal, Azri and Kuzi who tried to protect me when there were two drunkards passed by us yesterday. When I asked him if I get bully by others, will he protect me? He said he will. And when I said even if he gets beats, still he will? He said yes, with all his will and I was so touch to know that. He gave me a candle he brought at Senyum and asked me to light up 1 minute every time if I feel disappointed with him. But I said I hope that I will never light it up…
He even told me that although all his friends feel they are close to him, but he never feel close to them, even with his girlfriends. He rarely calls them, and sometime when they called, he doesn’t even pick up their calls. I looked at him surprisingly… And when I asked how about me, he said yes, he feels close to me… I was so touch…
I asked him if he ever thinking about to meet me again after I go away, he said yes, but when I asked him if believe on forever friends? He didn’t say a thing, and then only he said that he didn’t believe such thing, but I want him to believe that we will be forever friends… He said he wants to travel all around the world one day and I requested that he will send me a postcard every time he stops in a country. He said okay, but not confident enough. I asked him every time when he shakes hands, please shake harder and looked at people eyes when talking to them so that others can feel your honesty and sincerity. I told him that I love him very much and will always keep in touch with him…
I do not know what happened me but every time when he made me disappointed, he will gives me hope after that to gain back my confident and strength to help him up, may be that’s His will… that He wants me to fulfill here…
It is hard to leave, even after one month later…
I sms Arnold and told him everything is okay already and he said he was surprised to see my reaction this morning. He said I’m cute in the depth of his heart and he wants me to be happy… I was touch! How could I leave here…
HC is still unhappy; this time around she chooses a wrong person and hope that she will recover very soon…
I talked to him last night and everything is still okay. And this morning, he didn’t turn up. I went to find Arnold and he said that he didn’t go to his house and last night the one that went to Senyum with him is not Arnold, but Fais, who admitted on the spot right after I said that he lied to me.
I was so disappointed that I went to find him again at home. He looked unhappy and don’t want to talk at first and his mother talk to him in the language that I don’t understand. Once again, I talked to him in a room and he said that he don’t like to be control for all the time… so I said it is fine and I won’t go to find him anymore, but he must come to find me whenever he feels like it. He said okay.
He told me that he worked in Rivera Hotel every holiday but because SPM is around the corner, so he didn’t work. He said he wants to come for the tuition, but no transport and when his dad is lazy to fetch him. His dad beat him once in a while last time because of lepak and he only lepak during holidays. When I asked him why he lies to me, he said he is afraid if I’ll get angry. I asked him to be honest next time and I beat him to tell him that I hate when others lie to me. When I asked him if he love me, he knocked and it is real touch. He asked about Akhmal, Azri and Kuzi who tried to protect me when there were two drunkards passed by us yesterday. When I asked him if I get bully by others, will he protect me? He said he will. And when I said even if he gets beats, still he will? He said yes, with all his will and I was so touch to know that. He gave me a candle he brought at Senyum and asked me to light up 1 minute every time if I feel disappointed with him. But I said I hope that I will never light it up…
He even told me that although all his friends feel they are close to him, but he never feel close to them, even with his girlfriends. He rarely calls them, and sometime when they called, he doesn’t even pick up their calls. I looked at him surprisingly… And when I asked how about me, he said yes, he feels close to me… I was so touch…
I asked him if he ever thinking about to meet me again after I go away, he said yes, but when I asked him if believe on forever friends? He didn’t say a thing, and then only he said that he didn’t believe such thing, but I want him to believe that we will be forever friends… He said he wants to travel all around the world one day and I requested that he will send me a postcard every time he stops in a country. He said okay, but not confident enough. I asked him every time when he shakes hands, please shake harder and looked at people eyes when talking to them so that others can feel your honesty and sincerity. I told him that I love him very much and will always keep in touch with him…
I do not know what happened me but every time when he made me disappointed, he will gives me hope after that to gain back my confident and strength to help him up, may be that’s His will… that He wants me to fulfill here…
It is hard to leave, even after one month later…
I sms Arnold and told him everything is okay already and he said he was surprised to see my reaction this morning. He said I’m cute in the depth of his heart and he wants me to be happy… I was touch! How could I leave here…
HC is still unhappy; this time around she chooses a wrong person and hope that she will recover very soon…
Liar
June 1, 2006
We have just come back from Pantai Klebang and Pantai Kundur. HC fell in love with XXXX and last night he gave back the cigarette that she gave him last week, in which they promised that would be the very last pack that he is going to have before he stops smoking. Both of them asked her to go back and told her things that made she hearts break. Then, both of them didn’t come to school and HC was in a bad mood and went out the whole afternoon.
Two days ago, 29 May 2006, I met Eric at Lech Avenue’s Night Market and I asked him to come for tuition. He said he will sms me to tell me how was it later. I asked him not to hurt me anymore and my heart trembling everyday once the clock struck 5p.m and the waiting made me sick. HC told me that he was happy to see me at first and when I spoke all these things to him, he looked down and I was unhappy as well, as wondering if he will come later.
I waited and waited, still he never turn up and didn’t sms me. So, I called. The calls failed as the guys in the phone said that his antenna is broken. I do not know how true is it, feel strange why did he didn’t take his handset along. Fais told me that he went to Melacca with his dad, so I called his dad. When his dad said he is at home and is not with him, my heart broke. HE LIED TO ME! I can’t stop crying and for the very first time after 5 years I smoked again. I broke the promised with Kent… because of a 17 year-old guy. He really made me worry… I hate him!
I sent him a message and told him that if it was his last answer from him, then I think I understand his meaning. I didn’t receive any sms from him until 4a.m. I saw his sms and said that he is sorry… as below…
‘cikgu mrh kt sy…?sy mintk maaf byk2 ye…sy bkn ape…sy rase serabut la kepale ni.sory ye…selamat malam.sy rase diri ini btl2 bersalah.’(2006-05-31, 01:18:27) and after half and hour he sms again
He didn’t come to school the next day and I sms and called him, yet he didn’t pick up the phone. I asked HC fetched me to his house and I talked to his mother, while waiting him to wake up. He was surprised to see me. We talked in a room up stair and I can’t stand any more, as I talked to him, my tears ran down. He felt sorry and he said that his friends cam out from hospital and he smoked more than 3 cigarettes last night. I told him I smoked 3 also and he was speechless. I advised him to come for the tuition and he said he is ashamed as I stayed because of him. I told him nothing to ashamed about and the only thing to pay back is by studying hard and come to my tuition. He invited me if I want to join a camp organized by his church and he even said that we can play badminton sometime. I’m glad to hear these things from him, at least he invited me for something.
He is still a child, he hugged a pillow and watched television. My God! He is funny…
He said he wants to try on contact lenses and brought me to buy a pack of ‘aqua baby’ cost RM50. He brought me to Mustika’s house and they came on 5p.m and done their Pendidikan Seni’s work. Both of us helped them.
I showed him Kent’s photo and he said only look a bit similar, but others said they looked alike. I invited him to lepak together, but he rejected as he sms later to tell me that he choose to go with his friends. I said I’m okay with that as it was his choice.
This morning, we had tuition in school and we went into English class to help Mr, Annuar. He looked at me some times and doing his work diligently at first and later started his naughty action in class. After the tuition, I waited for him and heard he yelled in the toilet. I was disappointed and when I asked him if he will come for the tuition, he said he will need to look first. I was so sad that I sat at the chair and Iqah came, when she got to know that I was upset because of Eric, she called him up and scolded him. When I went in their class, he doesn’t dare to even look at me and keep quite for quiet a long time until he was called to the Bilik Kaunseling, because he didn’t bring his work. I went there thrice to see him and Pn. Noraida said that we are good to our students, as all the practical teachers will normally go away right after they finished their practical, but not us. I told her that Eric is my favourite student, who upset me most of the time. He does not dare to look at me.
I called him after school and again he told me that he has many works to do and he asked me if I’m angry. I advised him not to drink when go to Arnold’s house who celebrates Hari Gawai.
Went to night market and I met his mother. Then, I went to his house, stood outside and talked to him as the gate was locked from inside and he does not has the key with him. He asked me if Santa Claus really exist. We talked a lot and he looked happy today and he promised to come for tuition if he does not go to Arnold’s house.
But, at last he went to Arnold’s house. It is fine for me, as long as he didn’t drunk.
Tomorrow would be the very last day for tuition at school; I just wonder if we didn’t meet often after this, will he still come for tuition? I’m really afraid of waiting now.
He told me others thought that we are coupling now and they even mentioned about swimming pool and camping. I wonder what else did they know about us and what did Eric told them…
These two days, I have small quarrels with Kent about Eric, it is all about jealousy. I’m now wearing his earring on my nose…
We have just come back from Pantai Klebang and Pantai Kundur. HC fell in love with XXXX and last night he gave back the cigarette that she gave him last week, in which they promised that would be the very last pack that he is going to have before he stops smoking. Both of them asked her to go back and told her things that made she hearts break. Then, both of them didn’t come to school and HC was in a bad mood and went out the whole afternoon.
Two days ago, 29 May 2006, I met Eric at Lech Avenue’s Night Market and I asked him to come for tuition. He said he will sms me to tell me how was it later. I asked him not to hurt me anymore and my heart trembling everyday once the clock struck 5p.m and the waiting made me sick. HC told me that he was happy to see me at first and when I spoke all these things to him, he looked down and I was unhappy as well, as wondering if he will come later.
I waited and waited, still he never turn up and didn’t sms me. So, I called. The calls failed as the guys in the phone said that his antenna is broken. I do not know how true is it, feel strange why did he didn’t take his handset along. Fais told me that he went to Melacca with his dad, so I called his dad. When his dad said he is at home and is not with him, my heart broke. HE LIED TO ME! I can’t stop crying and for the very first time after 5 years I smoked again. I broke the promised with Kent… because of a 17 year-old guy. He really made me worry… I hate him!
I sent him a message and told him that if it was his last answer from him, then I think I understand his meaning. I didn’t receive any sms from him until 4a.m. I saw his sms and said that he is sorry… as below…
‘cikgu mrh kt sy…?sy mintk maaf byk2 ye…sy bkn ape…sy rase serabut la kepale ni.sory ye…selamat malam.sy rase diri ini btl2 bersalah.’(2006-05-31, 01:18:27) and after half and hour he sms again
He didn’t come to school the next day and I sms and called him, yet he didn’t pick up the phone. I asked HC fetched me to his house and I talked to his mother, while waiting him to wake up. He was surprised to see me. We talked in a room up stair and I can’t stand any more, as I talked to him, my tears ran down. He felt sorry and he said that his friends cam out from hospital and he smoked more than 3 cigarettes last night. I told him I smoked 3 also and he was speechless. I advised him to come for the tuition and he said he is ashamed as I stayed because of him. I told him nothing to ashamed about and the only thing to pay back is by studying hard and come to my tuition. He invited me if I want to join a camp organized by his church and he even said that we can play badminton sometime. I’m glad to hear these things from him, at least he invited me for something.
He is still a child, he hugged a pillow and watched television. My God! He is funny…
He said he wants to try on contact lenses and brought me to buy a pack of ‘aqua baby’ cost RM50. He brought me to Mustika’s house and they came on 5p.m and done their Pendidikan Seni’s work. Both of us helped them.
I showed him Kent’s photo and he said only look a bit similar, but others said they looked alike. I invited him to lepak together, but he rejected as he sms later to tell me that he choose to go with his friends. I said I’m okay with that as it was his choice.
This morning, we had tuition in school and we went into English class to help Mr, Annuar. He looked at me some times and doing his work diligently at first and later started his naughty action in class. After the tuition, I waited for him and heard he yelled in the toilet. I was disappointed and when I asked him if he will come for the tuition, he said he will need to look first. I was so sad that I sat at the chair and Iqah came, when she got to know that I was upset because of Eric, she called him up and scolded him. When I went in their class, he doesn’t dare to even look at me and keep quite for quiet a long time until he was called to the Bilik Kaunseling, because he didn’t bring his work. I went there thrice to see him and Pn. Noraida said that we are good to our students, as all the practical teachers will normally go away right after they finished their practical, but not us. I told her that Eric is my favourite student, who upset me most of the time. He does not dare to look at me.
I called him after school and again he told me that he has many works to do and he asked me if I’m angry. I advised him not to drink when go to Arnold’s house who celebrates Hari Gawai.
Went to night market and I met his mother. Then, I went to his house, stood outside and talked to him as the gate was locked from inside and he does not has the key with him. He asked me if Santa Claus really exist. We talked a lot and he looked happy today and he promised to come for tuition if he does not go to Arnold’s house.
But, at last he went to Arnold’s house. It is fine for me, as long as he didn’t drunk.
Tomorrow would be the very last day for tuition at school; I just wonder if we didn’t meet often after this, will he still come for tuition? I’m really afraid of waiting now.
He told me others thought that we are coupling now and they even mentioned about swimming pool and camping. I wonder what else did they know about us and what did Eric told them…
These two days, I have small quarrels with Kent about Eric, it is all about jealousy. I’m now wearing his earring on my nose…
Hurts
May29, 2006 Monday
I didn’t tell mom and dad the exact reason why I stay here for another one month. The only person that knew what exactly happen is Kent. He supported my decision; however I knew that he feels uneasy somehow, as I choose to stay because of another man, a 17 year-old guy. God! I’m crazy, right?
He promised to come last night but he made me waited for 2 hours. His dad sent him here and he looked at me one kind and asked if I’m angry, I said I hate him because he made me waited. I had waited for the whole night and felt want to cry, as I thought that he is lying and I’m afraid that he will let go… in a way, I’m afraid that I have made the wrong decision to stay here for another one month, I’m afraid that if he will let go and that’s mean I don’t have anything to lean on here anymore…
We only have a little talk and when he saw Ogan and Annuar planned to go, he started to feel uneasy and want to leave with them. I’m so disappointed, as I feel that he still afraid of me after all this while… when I asked him if he treated me as a friend or what, he said that he felt uneasy to treat me as a friend, he still keep the mind set that I’m his teacher. I felt hurt, so much, after all the talks that we had several nights before and the messages that we promised to be each other true friends…
I told him that my articles came out twice this weeks and both of it were inspirited by him through sms but he doesn’t reply and I think I know why, perhaps he can’t accept my way, I’m too open-minded for the culture and background he came from.
I walk with him till the junction and I asked him to treat me as a friend and find me some times, he said he will try…
I knew that he is trying to escape from me, but at the same time he never reject when I asked him to go out…
I called him after that and asked him to go to school and he will get to see something real strange in school the next day. And, I told him that don’t call me teacher anymore, but Brenda. He said he will think about it over later.
I waited for 45 minutes this morning for him to come, while HC waited for Ogan and Annuar. Both of them came at last, but Eric didn’t come…
After a long thought, then only I sms him to tell him to come for the 10.30 a.m session and come again for the tuition at night. He didn’t reply. I’m not daring to call… as he said he still can’t treat me as a friend, I felt like a fool!
HC told me that he speeded a van and smoked in front of them when Hc went to fetch Annuar and Ogan, when HC asked him if he want us to smoke with him, he stops. He admitted that he smoked once that day. When his friend came, he smoked with them out side our house and when one of his friends looked inside our house and raise his hand to me, I just can feel that he smoked again and his friend was keep watching for him. Luckily, before he went home, I asked him once again, he told me that he actually smoked twice. I like his honesty. Although his classmates who came for tuition told me that he lied some times, somehow I just believe that he won’t do that to me. I don’t know, I just feel at that way. Is a trust!
I’m so upset, the whole morning, felt want to cry, but I just can’t… Feel like a fool, waited and waited for something that I will never how it goes at the end and sacrifices so much for a guy that I only knew his birthday, his favourite color, his 4 siblings and a form 5 student will is going to sit for his SPM… I almost cry out, my heart sunk to the very bottom of the ground.
Liked Kent, every time he made me disappointed and I had misunderstood him, the truth will come out. Last night he made me waited for two hours, he actually didn’t lie to me, he tried to come, I knew it, if not he will not come after 2 hours. And, today when I thought that he didn’t come to the school because he is lazy and he just don’t want to come, he actually don’t have transport.
He sms me and told me that he can’t come, because he needs to fix his motorbike, I asked him to come for a while, he said all right, in 20 minutes he will reach. But, I waited for another 45 minutes tonight and still he didn’t come. I sent him a sad face and only then he told me that he was scolded by his dad and all his friends went back home after scolded by his dad. He even told me that he can’t go out like usual anymore, I do not know what to say and only asked him not to think too much. I asked him how about the tuition, he said don’t know. I was too direct and I told him that if he is not coming, I’ll stop and go back. He paused for a while. Am I too harsh? Did I push him too hard some how? Did my decision affect him in some way? I meant, caused to any trouble and pressure to him.
I wish to see him at school tomorrow…
I’m thinking about to give him the cross that Kent gave me and once I took it out I got Denggi and almost died two years ago to him, but Kent seems to be unhappy about it. I just want to tell him how important he is to me, but if it will hurt Kent, I don’t think it was something right to do anyway.
Tana, See Jie, Zulaika, Dayang, Fazerah, Balqis and her sis came for tuition this afternoon and when they saw Kent’s picture and compare to Eric’s picture, they said they looked a bit alike. Actually want to show it to Eric and I even write him a long letter which I read it over and over again… but he didn’t come, wish that he will go to school tomorrow.
I never feel hurt and care for something or someone for so long, but this time I just can’t explain… He means a lot to me and I wish to bring him along whenever I go, but because it will never come true, so the most important thing is that I can leave him with something that he can makes use for his whole life and make him a better person. He is a Christian and his mom is a pastor. I asked him to pray for his changes and pray so that I have the strength to change him from time to time, he said he asked his mom to pray. I’m so happy to hear that, I always believe that no matter where He wants me to go, there is His will there…
I didn’t tell mom and dad the exact reason why I stay here for another one month. The only person that knew what exactly happen is Kent. He supported my decision; however I knew that he feels uneasy somehow, as I choose to stay because of another man, a 17 year-old guy. God! I’m crazy, right?
He promised to come last night but he made me waited for 2 hours. His dad sent him here and he looked at me one kind and asked if I’m angry, I said I hate him because he made me waited. I had waited for the whole night and felt want to cry, as I thought that he is lying and I’m afraid that he will let go… in a way, I’m afraid that I have made the wrong decision to stay here for another one month, I’m afraid that if he will let go and that’s mean I don’t have anything to lean on here anymore…
We only have a little talk and when he saw Ogan and Annuar planned to go, he started to feel uneasy and want to leave with them. I’m so disappointed, as I feel that he still afraid of me after all this while… when I asked him if he treated me as a friend or what, he said that he felt uneasy to treat me as a friend, he still keep the mind set that I’m his teacher. I felt hurt, so much, after all the talks that we had several nights before and the messages that we promised to be each other true friends…
I told him that my articles came out twice this weeks and both of it were inspirited by him through sms but he doesn’t reply and I think I know why, perhaps he can’t accept my way, I’m too open-minded for the culture and background he came from.
I walk with him till the junction and I asked him to treat me as a friend and find me some times, he said he will try…
I knew that he is trying to escape from me, but at the same time he never reject when I asked him to go out…
I called him after that and asked him to go to school and he will get to see something real strange in school the next day. And, I told him that don’t call me teacher anymore, but Brenda. He said he will think about it over later.
I waited for 45 minutes this morning for him to come, while HC waited for Ogan and Annuar. Both of them came at last, but Eric didn’t come…
After a long thought, then only I sms him to tell him to come for the 10.30 a.m session and come again for the tuition at night. He didn’t reply. I’m not daring to call… as he said he still can’t treat me as a friend, I felt like a fool!
HC told me that he speeded a van and smoked in front of them when Hc went to fetch Annuar and Ogan, when HC asked him if he want us to smoke with him, he stops. He admitted that he smoked once that day. When his friend came, he smoked with them out side our house and when one of his friends looked inside our house and raise his hand to me, I just can feel that he smoked again and his friend was keep watching for him. Luckily, before he went home, I asked him once again, he told me that he actually smoked twice. I like his honesty. Although his classmates who came for tuition told me that he lied some times, somehow I just believe that he won’t do that to me. I don’t know, I just feel at that way. Is a trust!
I’m so upset, the whole morning, felt want to cry, but I just can’t… Feel like a fool, waited and waited for something that I will never how it goes at the end and sacrifices so much for a guy that I only knew his birthday, his favourite color, his 4 siblings and a form 5 student will is going to sit for his SPM… I almost cry out, my heart sunk to the very bottom of the ground.
Liked Kent, every time he made me disappointed and I had misunderstood him, the truth will come out. Last night he made me waited for two hours, he actually didn’t lie to me, he tried to come, I knew it, if not he will not come after 2 hours. And, today when I thought that he didn’t come to the school because he is lazy and he just don’t want to come, he actually don’t have transport.
He sms me and told me that he can’t come, because he needs to fix his motorbike, I asked him to come for a while, he said all right, in 20 minutes he will reach. But, I waited for another 45 minutes tonight and still he didn’t come. I sent him a sad face and only then he told me that he was scolded by his dad and all his friends went back home after scolded by his dad. He even told me that he can’t go out like usual anymore, I do not know what to say and only asked him not to think too much. I asked him how about the tuition, he said don’t know. I was too direct and I told him that if he is not coming, I’ll stop and go back. He paused for a while. Am I too harsh? Did I push him too hard some how? Did my decision affect him in some way? I meant, caused to any trouble and pressure to him.
I wish to see him at school tomorrow…
I’m thinking about to give him the cross that Kent gave me and once I took it out I got Denggi and almost died two years ago to him, but Kent seems to be unhappy about it. I just want to tell him how important he is to me, but if it will hurt Kent, I don’t think it was something right to do anyway.
Tana, See Jie, Zulaika, Dayang, Fazerah, Balqis and her sis came for tuition this afternoon and when they saw Kent’s picture and compare to Eric’s picture, they said they looked a bit alike. Actually want to show it to Eric and I even write him a long letter which I read it over and over again… but he didn’t come, wish that he will go to school tomorrow.
I never feel hurt and care for something or someone for so long, but this time I just can’t explain… He means a lot to me and I wish to bring him along whenever I go, but because it will never come true, so the most important thing is that I can leave him with something that he can makes use for his whole life and make him a better person. He is a Christian and his mom is a pastor. I asked him to pray for his changes and pray so that I have the strength to change him from time to time, he said he asked his mom to pray. I’m so happy to hear that, I always believe that no matter where He wants me to go, there is His will there…
Hate to wait
May29, 2006 Monday
I didn’t tell mom and dad the exact reason why I stay here for another one month. The only person that knew what exactly happen is Kent. He supported my decision; however I knew that he feels uneasy somehow, as I choose to stay because of another man, a 17 year-old guy. God! I’m crazy, right?
He promised to come last night but he made me waited for 2 hours. His dad sent him here and he looked at me one kind and asked if I’m angry, I said I hate him because he made me waited. I had waited for the whole night and felt want to cry, as I thought that he is lying and I’m afraid that he will let go… in a way, I’m afraid that I have made the wrong decision to stay here for another one month, I’m afraid that if he will let go and that’s mean I don’t have anything to lean on here anymore…
We only have a little talk and when he saw Ogan and Annuar planned to go, he started to feel uneasy and want to leave with them. I’m so disappointed, as I feel that he still afraid of me after all this while… when I asked him if he treated me as a friend or what, he said that he felt uneasy to treat me as a friend, he still keep the mind set that I’m his teacher. I felt hurt, so much, after all the talks that we had several nights before and the messages that we promised to be each other true friends…
I told him that my articles came out twice this weeks and both of it were inspirited by him through sms but he doesn’t reply and I think I know why, perhaps he can’t accept my way, I’m too open-minded for the culture and background he came from.
I walk with him till the junction and I asked him to treat me as a friend and find me some times, he said he will try…
I knew that he is trying to escape from me, but at the same time he never reject when I asked him to go out…
I called him after that and asked him to go to school and he will get to see something real strange in school the next day. And, I told him that don’t call me teacher anymore, but Brenda. He said he will think about it over later.
I waited for 45 minutes this morning for him to come, while HC waited for Ogan and Annuar. Both of them came at last, but Eric didn’t come…
After a long thought, then only I sms him to tell him to come for the 10.30 a.m session and come again for the tuition at night. He didn’t reply. I’m not daring to call… as he said he still can’t treat me as a friend, I felt like a fool!
HC told me that he speeded a van and smoked in front of them when Hc went to fetch Annuar and Ogan, when HC asked him if he want us to smoke with him, he stops. He admitted that he smoked once that day. When his friend came, he smoked with them out side our house and when one of his friends looked inside our house and raise his hand to me, I just can feel that he smoked again and his friend was keep watching for him. Luckily, before he went home, I asked him once again, he told me that he actually smoked twice. I like his honesty. Although his classmates who came for tuition told me that he lied some times, somehow I just believe that he won’t do that to me. I don’t know, I just feel at that way. Is a trust!
I’m so upset, the whole morning, felt want to cry, but I just can’t… Feel like a fool, waited and waited for something that I will never how it goes at the end and sacrifices so much for a guy that I only knew his birthday, his favourite color, his 4 siblings and a form 5 student will is going to sit for his SPM… I almost cry out, my heart sunk to the very bottom of the ground.
Liked Kent, every time he made me disappointed and I had misunderstood him, the truth will come out. Last night he made me waited for two hours, he actually didn’t lie to me, he tried to come, I knew it, if not he will not come after 2 hours. And, today when I thought that he didn’t come to the school because he is lazy and he just don’t want to come, he actually don’t have transport.
He sms me and told me that he can’t come, because he needs to fix his motorbike, I asked him to come for a while, he said all right, in 20 minutes he will reach. But, I waited for another 45 minutes tonight and still he didn’t come. I sent him a sad face and only then he told me that he was scolded by his dad and all his friends went back home after scolded by his dad. He even told me that he can’t go out like usual anymore, I do not know what to say and only asked him not to think too much. I asked him how about the tuition, he said don’t know. I was too direct and I told him that if he is not coming, I’ll stop and go back. He paused for a while. Am I too harsh? Did I push him too hard some how? Did my decision affect him in some way? I meant, caused to any trouble and pressure to him.
I wish to see him at school tomorrow…
I’m thinking about to give him the cross that Kent gave me and once I took it out I got Denggi and almost died two years ago to him, but Kent seems to be unhappy about it. I just want to tell him how important he is to me, but if it will hurt Kent, I don’t think it was something right to do anyway.
Tana, See Jie, Zulaika, Dayang, Fazerah, Balqis and her sis came for tuition this afternoon and when they saw Kent’s picture and compare to Eric’s picture, they said they looked a bit alike. Actually want to show it to Eric and I even write him a long letter which I read it over and over again… but he didn’t come, wish that he will go to school tomorrow.
I never feel hurt and care for something or someone for so long, but this time I just can’t explain… He means a lot to me and I wish to bring him along whenever I go, but because it will never come true, so the most important thing is that I can leave him with something that he can makes use for his whole life and make him a better person. He is a Christian and his mom is a pastor. I asked him to pray for his changes and pray so that I have the strength to change him from time to time, he said he asked his mom to pray. I’m so happy to hear that, I always believe that no matter where He wants me to go, there is His will there…
I didn’t tell mom and dad the exact reason why I stay here for another one month. The only person that knew what exactly happen is Kent. He supported my decision; however I knew that he feels uneasy somehow, as I choose to stay because of another man, a 17 year-old guy. God! I’m crazy, right?
He promised to come last night but he made me waited for 2 hours. His dad sent him here and he looked at me one kind and asked if I’m angry, I said I hate him because he made me waited. I had waited for the whole night and felt want to cry, as I thought that he is lying and I’m afraid that he will let go… in a way, I’m afraid that I have made the wrong decision to stay here for another one month, I’m afraid that if he will let go and that’s mean I don’t have anything to lean on here anymore…
We only have a little talk and when he saw Ogan and Annuar planned to go, he started to feel uneasy and want to leave with them. I’m so disappointed, as I feel that he still afraid of me after all this while… when I asked him if he treated me as a friend or what, he said that he felt uneasy to treat me as a friend, he still keep the mind set that I’m his teacher. I felt hurt, so much, after all the talks that we had several nights before and the messages that we promised to be each other true friends…
I told him that my articles came out twice this weeks and both of it were inspirited by him through sms but he doesn’t reply and I think I know why, perhaps he can’t accept my way, I’m too open-minded for the culture and background he came from.
I walk with him till the junction and I asked him to treat me as a friend and find me some times, he said he will try…
I knew that he is trying to escape from me, but at the same time he never reject when I asked him to go out…
I called him after that and asked him to go to school and he will get to see something real strange in school the next day. And, I told him that don’t call me teacher anymore, but Brenda. He said he will think about it over later.
I waited for 45 minutes this morning for him to come, while HC waited for Ogan and Annuar. Both of them came at last, but Eric didn’t come…
After a long thought, then only I sms him to tell him to come for the 10.30 a.m session and come again for the tuition at night. He didn’t reply. I’m not daring to call… as he said he still can’t treat me as a friend, I felt like a fool!
HC told me that he speeded a van and smoked in front of them when Hc went to fetch Annuar and Ogan, when HC asked him if he want us to smoke with him, he stops. He admitted that he smoked once that day. When his friend came, he smoked with them out side our house and when one of his friends looked inside our house and raise his hand to me, I just can feel that he smoked again and his friend was keep watching for him. Luckily, before he went home, I asked him once again, he told me that he actually smoked twice. I like his honesty. Although his classmates who came for tuition told me that he lied some times, somehow I just believe that he won’t do that to me. I don’t know, I just feel at that way. Is a trust!
I’m so upset, the whole morning, felt want to cry, but I just can’t… Feel like a fool, waited and waited for something that I will never how it goes at the end and sacrifices so much for a guy that I only knew his birthday, his favourite color, his 4 siblings and a form 5 student will is going to sit for his SPM… I almost cry out, my heart sunk to the very bottom of the ground.
Liked Kent, every time he made me disappointed and I had misunderstood him, the truth will come out. Last night he made me waited for two hours, he actually didn’t lie to me, he tried to come, I knew it, if not he will not come after 2 hours. And, today when I thought that he didn’t come to the school because he is lazy and he just don’t want to come, he actually don’t have transport.
He sms me and told me that he can’t come, because he needs to fix his motorbike, I asked him to come for a while, he said all right, in 20 minutes he will reach. But, I waited for another 45 minutes tonight and still he didn’t come. I sent him a sad face and only then he told me that he was scolded by his dad and all his friends went back home after scolded by his dad. He even told me that he can’t go out like usual anymore, I do not know what to say and only asked him not to think too much. I asked him how about the tuition, he said don’t know. I was too direct and I told him that if he is not coming, I’ll stop and go back. He paused for a while. Am I too harsh? Did I push him too hard some how? Did my decision affect him in some way? I meant, caused to any trouble and pressure to him.
I wish to see him at school tomorrow…
I’m thinking about to give him the cross that Kent gave me and once I took it out I got Denggi and almost died two years ago to him, but Kent seems to be unhappy about it. I just want to tell him how important he is to me, but if it will hurt Kent, I don’t think it was something right to do anyway.
Tana, See Jie, Zulaika, Dayang, Fazerah, Balqis and her sis came for tuition this afternoon and when they saw Kent’s picture and compare to Eric’s picture, they said they looked a bit alike. Actually want to show it to Eric and I even write him a long letter which I read it over and over again… but he didn’t come, wish that he will go to school tomorrow.
I never feel hurt and care for something or someone for so long, but this time I just can’t explain… He means a lot to me and I wish to bring him along whenever I go, but because it will never come true, so the most important thing is that I can leave him with something that he can makes use for his whole life and make him a better person. He is a Christian and his mom is a pastor. I asked him to pray for his changes and pray so that I have the strength to change him from time to time, he said he asked his mom to pray. I’m so happy to hear that, I always believe that no matter where He wants me to go, there is His will there…
An evening at Taman Peruna
I think he really wants to change, as last night he admitted to me that he wore the tie because he wished to change. My God! It is liked what I’m thinking about. I noticed about it right after the second day I talked to him, he wore tie and it’s a symbol. I’m wondering, what kind of guy he is…
He even told me that he once has a 4 years girlfriend and broke u because the girl cheated on him. He was hurt badly that he said he would not go back to Sarawak anymore. He even plays at girls. He is the process to break up with Zulaiha and I asked him if it is because of what I told him. He said nothing like that, he already knew her behavior from the very beginning and he asked her to change for three times already, but she keeps doing the same mistake. I differentiate what is like and love to him. I even shared my past with him, about what happened in Form 6 and relationship with Kent. He keep quite every time I mentioned about Kent, the same thing happened on the first day I hang around with him, where I asked him to said ‘hello’ to Kent, he said it but keep quite after that, then HC told me that others said that he was jealous. I don’t think so, but shy would be the suitable word to describe him. He was cute; he bitted a friend that sat beside him when I asked him where he used to date with his girlfriend. Oh! My God! He is so cute, all right?
He said he will change after this and asked me after I go away, I would not have chances to see his changing, then he can lie about it, as if he don’t want me to go but to stay… I said he needed to change not because of others but himself. He knocked. I wish that he understand. We promised to keep in touch no matter what happen and I saw we still can meet once a year. He was thinking about something at that time… I told him how I felt when I received the message from Dr. Noreen and he is the one that came across my mind and he is the reason that I decided to stay back for another one month. He promised to change and I wish he will keep his word. Anyway, I believe him, as he said he never cheat on his ex-girlfriend within the four years. I was surprised and once again I’m wondering what kind of he is. He told me that he does not have any good friend, yet still hang around with them, I’m wondering what he is thinking about.
I gave him the magnet and letters that I wrote to him these few days. For the very first time, he said thank you to me.
Actually, we went into Petronas to watch the basketball match and I asked him to come along; he came but shies to sit beside me. I saw his friends push him with their arms and he followed them go away after that. He sent me a message to tell me that he has thing to do so he needs to go. Perhaps he doesn’t want to go, but his friends asked him to go as they don’t want to watch the match.
We watch for a while and went back to Peruna and bought some food, ate beside the field.
I kept asking him to come to the school, as it will be my last day and I even sent him a message to remind him the next morning.
I waited him at the hunt at the car park and we got to see a lot of students passed by. I was so damn happy to see him wore smart with tie and with long sleeves, neatly. At least he respect me in some way J
There is baca yasin this morning and as usual we needed to go in the class to look after the students. Is like dreams come true for me, because last time I enjoy so much relieving the Friday’s class, but there is no more because exam was in the progress this few weeks. My last day and the very last time to do so.
I saw him in the toilet and combed his hair, I said he is handsome enough already.
I went in his class and gave them presents and talked a little bit, hugged them and shake hand with the guys. A big guy named Fais pull my hand roughly, in which I almost fell down. They scolded him. The most important thing is that when I told them if one day they couldn’t find me with my number, then please try my email any time. I saw him looked at the email address that written in the sharing paper that I shared with them. It was so touch, at least he cares to know… J
See Jie helped me to take photo with him and she said that we were liked couple; I just ignored to avoid any misunderstanding. Then, we took some photos before the last period bell rang, in his class. The guys taught me to shake hand like a kadet police. I’m going to miss everything here…
Form 1B and Form 4PA all cried and kissed my hands… I can’t… it’s hard…
Today I get to know that he is a Christian, so what I said is that “Jesus loves you and I love you too.”
I went to play basketball with HC at Taman Peruna, I saw he came back so I sent him a message. I waited and waited, but he didn’t come. When we were finished, then only he came walked slowly as if he is shy and uneasy. We talked a lot. He told me he only likes to play computer game and games, sometimes skate boat. Last time he ran for whole day for practicing and that’s why he wished to rest now. I said not too long. He knocked.
I bought a pack of cigarette and threatened him that if he smoke more than twice a day, I will smoke as well. He said no and he will stop. His motor is broken, and need money to repair. His money all wasted on his motorbike. He failed the motorbike license and now lazy to take it again. He said his motorbike accident once a week. He broke his shoulder’s tissue in last year accident, as he raced last time. Lastly, I patted on him to tell him that I care and I love him so I want him to take a good care of himself. He knocked shyly.
He said will come to find me at Dayang’s shop if he has time, but I asked him to come. He didn’t come of course.
He said can do a camping at Taman Rekreasi. But then said that picnic will do, I said I prefer to go for camping, but he kept saying that it’s dangerous and when I asked why, he said that don’t I understand? I said no, lastly he said afraid not enough food. I said never mind, we can go by the afternoon and save the food for the night and go back next day, then the food will be enough. He was quiet and after came back home and thought about it, only I get to understand what is the real meaning of ‘dangerous’ that he mentioned. God! Suddenly, I felt that I was so damn stupid and ashamed of I had told him.
I called him just now and he asked me to throw the cigarette. I said no, if he maintains 2 cigarettes a day, then I’m okay but if he takes more than 2, I’ll take it as well. He said no, girls don’t take cigarette with them and it was not nice. He said that I was funny and laughed in the phone. I asked why, he said don’t know how to say. Last night he said the same thing too, he felt that I was funny. At first, what I done with my hair in the bank, then wearing make up in the class and lots more… I felt like accused with something that I didn’t do…
He kept saying that he don’t want to swim because he is shy and then said he got an ugly tattoo…
This guy! Funny…
He even told me that he once has a 4 years girlfriend and broke u because the girl cheated on him. He was hurt badly that he said he would not go back to Sarawak anymore. He even plays at girls. He is the process to break up with Zulaiha and I asked him if it is because of what I told him. He said nothing like that, he already knew her behavior from the very beginning and he asked her to change for three times already, but she keeps doing the same mistake. I differentiate what is like and love to him. I even shared my past with him, about what happened in Form 6 and relationship with Kent. He keep quite every time I mentioned about Kent, the same thing happened on the first day I hang around with him, where I asked him to said ‘hello’ to Kent, he said it but keep quite after that, then HC told me that others said that he was jealous. I don’t think so, but shy would be the suitable word to describe him. He was cute; he bitted a friend that sat beside him when I asked him where he used to date with his girlfriend. Oh! My God! He is so cute, all right?
He said he will change after this and asked me after I go away, I would not have chances to see his changing, then he can lie about it, as if he don’t want me to go but to stay… I said he needed to change not because of others but himself. He knocked. I wish that he understand. We promised to keep in touch no matter what happen and I saw we still can meet once a year. He was thinking about something at that time… I told him how I felt when I received the message from Dr. Noreen and he is the one that came across my mind and he is the reason that I decided to stay back for another one month. He promised to change and I wish he will keep his word. Anyway, I believe him, as he said he never cheat on his ex-girlfriend within the four years. I was surprised and once again I’m wondering what kind of he is. He told me that he does not have any good friend, yet still hang around with them, I’m wondering what he is thinking about.
I gave him the magnet and letters that I wrote to him these few days. For the very first time, he said thank you to me.
Actually, we went into Petronas to watch the basketball match and I asked him to come along; he came but shies to sit beside me. I saw his friends push him with their arms and he followed them go away after that. He sent me a message to tell me that he has thing to do so he needs to go. Perhaps he doesn’t want to go, but his friends asked him to go as they don’t want to watch the match.
We watch for a while and went back to Peruna and bought some food, ate beside the field.
I kept asking him to come to the school, as it will be my last day and I even sent him a message to remind him the next morning.
I waited him at the hunt at the car park and we got to see a lot of students passed by. I was so damn happy to see him wore smart with tie and with long sleeves, neatly. At least he respect me in some way J
There is baca yasin this morning and as usual we needed to go in the class to look after the students. Is like dreams come true for me, because last time I enjoy so much relieving the Friday’s class, but there is no more because exam was in the progress this few weeks. My last day and the very last time to do so.
I saw him in the toilet and combed his hair, I said he is handsome enough already.
I went in his class and gave them presents and talked a little bit, hugged them and shake hand with the guys. A big guy named Fais pull my hand roughly, in which I almost fell down. They scolded him. The most important thing is that when I told them if one day they couldn’t find me with my number, then please try my email any time. I saw him looked at the email address that written in the sharing paper that I shared with them. It was so touch, at least he cares to know… J
See Jie helped me to take photo with him and she said that we were liked couple; I just ignored to avoid any misunderstanding. Then, we took some photos before the last period bell rang, in his class. The guys taught me to shake hand like a kadet police. I’m going to miss everything here…
Form 1B and Form 4PA all cried and kissed my hands… I can’t… it’s hard…
Today I get to know that he is a Christian, so what I said is that “Jesus loves you and I love you too.”
I went to play basketball with HC at Taman Peruna, I saw he came back so I sent him a message. I waited and waited, but he didn’t come. When we were finished, then only he came walked slowly as if he is shy and uneasy. We talked a lot. He told me he only likes to play computer game and games, sometimes skate boat. Last time he ran for whole day for practicing and that’s why he wished to rest now. I said not too long. He knocked.
I bought a pack of cigarette and threatened him that if he smoke more than twice a day, I will smoke as well. He said no and he will stop. His motor is broken, and need money to repair. His money all wasted on his motorbike. He failed the motorbike license and now lazy to take it again. He said his motorbike accident once a week. He broke his shoulder’s tissue in last year accident, as he raced last time. Lastly, I patted on him to tell him that I care and I love him so I want him to take a good care of himself. He knocked shyly.
He said will come to find me at Dayang’s shop if he has time, but I asked him to come. He didn’t come of course.
He said can do a camping at Taman Rekreasi. But then said that picnic will do, I said I prefer to go for camping, but he kept saying that it’s dangerous and when I asked why, he said that don’t I understand? I said no, lastly he said afraid not enough food. I said never mind, we can go by the afternoon and save the food for the night and go back next day, then the food will be enough. He was quiet and after came back home and thought about it, only I get to understand what is the real meaning of ‘dangerous’ that he mentioned. God! Suddenly, I felt that I was so damn stupid and ashamed of I had told him.
I called him just now and he asked me to throw the cigarette. I said no, if he maintains 2 cigarettes a day, then I’m okay but if he takes more than 2, I’ll take it as well. He said no, girls don’t take cigarette with them and it was not nice. He said that I was funny and laughed in the phone. I asked why, he said don’t know how to say. Last night he said the same thing too, he felt that I was funny. At first, what I done with my hair in the bank, then wearing make up in the class and lots more… I felt like accused with something that I didn’t do…
He kept saying that he don’t want to swim because he is shy and then said he got an ugly tattoo…
This guy! Funny…
Basketball fever
May 22, 2006
We went to Taman Peruna today and met Organ and Annuar from Form 5sas2. We played basketball with them and had a great time. I gang with Organ and Annuar with HC. We won 8 points and they got 5 points. Then, met Nafis, Nasir, Grentella, Alexander and Hamira don’t what…
We met Mahathir first and he was shocked because we went to his house. We had time talking to his parents. Dayang really a marvelous girl, if I were a guy, I will chase her. I was disappointed when I didn’t meet Eric, only talked to his mom. His mom is a nice woman and he has a great house. So, I assume that he is not too poor. I asked his phone number from his mom and called him. I asked him to come back, but he said he is not at the nearby, I asked him if it is far or because he doesn’t want to see me. He said not at all and when I said I want to come, he asked if I’m sure, because it’s quite far away, so I said if that so never mind. I heard he said “ALAMAK”, made me afraid if he don’t want to see me or even hate to see me, so I asked again if it’s okay for him for me to meet him once. He asked if I can wait, I said no, and when he asked if I can make another time to meet him, I said no. But I said never mind, as I’ll try to find him another time. His mom asked if he is doing something bad at school. I told her that he is good in school.
I messaged him when came back from Taman Peruna, said that I’m sorry because I didn’t tell him that I want to come. After messaged him, I went to take bath and deep inside my heart that I wished he will reply me, but at the same time, I felt that the chances for him to reply is low. But to my surprise that I received 3 miss called, and I tried to call back. Eric’s dad picked up the call and I told him that I’m his teacher and when I called for the second time after the line went die, I called again and this time I thought it was Eric, so I said “hehe… you come back already, isn’t it?” and only then I realized that it was his father again, so damn ashamed! His dad said that he went out to find us at the field, so I called him and told him that I had came back and he asked me when I want to see him, so I said any time if he has motor then can come to my house, he said he was free anytime. He said will come with his friend. But actually he brought three friends, who volunteer themselves to follow him. I invited them to come in and I asked if I can talk to him personally. We walked along the nearby taman for many times and I told him how I actually feel towards him.
I told him that I will leave this Friday in the house and he asked again if I really have to leave this Friday. I was so happy that at least he asked and when I told him that I’ll go to Taiwan this June, he thought that I’m going to stay there or study there, he asked why I want to go so far? Once again, I was touch and felt to cry… I told him about my decision to stay for another one month, which disproved by the Kementerian Pendidikan Malaysia, he asked why they refuse? Once again, I was touch, it’s hard for me to leave, and I told him that how much I love here and all the students here…
He told me some about his family and said that he hates his sister because she got everything that she wants and he can’t get what he wants most of the time… So I explained to him how I feel and think that his parents love him as well and told him that he should be the model to his other siblings and I knew that he is thinking about it. I asked him what he want to do after SPM, he said planned to go to KL and worked, still I advised him to study and only then work, it will help him a lot in the future. He knocked; hopefully that he got what I’m telling him. I asked if he smoked, drunk, he admitted and no racing anymore now. He even told me that his motor went in the police station 4 times already and wasted a lot of money for the fined. I asked him about his girlfriend and if he really loves her, he said yes, but when I asked if he really love her, he is not sure. I told him that I was surprised when I saw he coupled with her and told him to change her if he really love her, well, if not, then let her go and find somebody better than her. He kept asking me about what I knew about her, I asked him to find out by himself, then his friends came out said that they want to pray, so they went back.
I was so damn happy that he came and before he went away, I told him that do not let go, because I will not let go of him too. I even told him that no matter how many times he made me disappointed, I will never let him go but keep advice him.
At least he came and at least he cared… to make me feel that I’m not doing the wrong thing…
One more thing, when I said I will join the one week tuition this holidays, he looked at me and asked where is the tuition… as if he really care and he even told me that he is finding tuition centre now when I asked him if he remember our promise,,,
I was touch, really… How I wish that the time will just at that moment forever…
I never care about a stranger so much and I asked him if he feels that I’m weird and he knocked shyly…
We went to Taman Peruna today and met Organ and Annuar from Form 5sas2. We played basketball with them and had a great time. I gang with Organ and Annuar with HC. We won 8 points and they got 5 points. Then, met Nafis, Nasir, Grentella, Alexander and Hamira don’t what…
We met Mahathir first and he was shocked because we went to his house. We had time talking to his parents. Dayang really a marvelous girl, if I were a guy, I will chase her. I was disappointed when I didn’t meet Eric, only talked to his mom. His mom is a nice woman and he has a great house. So, I assume that he is not too poor. I asked his phone number from his mom and called him. I asked him to come back, but he said he is not at the nearby, I asked him if it is far or because he doesn’t want to see me. He said not at all and when I said I want to come, he asked if I’m sure, because it’s quite far away, so I said if that so never mind. I heard he said “ALAMAK”, made me afraid if he don’t want to see me or even hate to see me, so I asked again if it’s okay for him for me to meet him once. He asked if I can wait, I said no, and when he asked if I can make another time to meet him, I said no. But I said never mind, as I’ll try to find him another time. His mom asked if he is doing something bad at school. I told her that he is good in school.
I messaged him when came back from Taman Peruna, said that I’m sorry because I didn’t tell him that I want to come. After messaged him, I went to take bath and deep inside my heart that I wished he will reply me, but at the same time, I felt that the chances for him to reply is low. But to my surprise that I received 3 miss called, and I tried to call back. Eric’s dad picked up the call and I told him that I’m his teacher and when I called for the second time after the line went die, I called again and this time I thought it was Eric, so I said “hehe… you come back already, isn’t it?” and only then I realized that it was his father again, so damn ashamed! His dad said that he went out to find us at the field, so I called him and told him that I had came back and he asked me when I want to see him, so I said any time if he has motor then can come to my house, he said he was free anytime. He said will come with his friend. But actually he brought three friends, who volunteer themselves to follow him. I invited them to come in and I asked if I can talk to him personally. We walked along the nearby taman for many times and I told him how I actually feel towards him.
I told him that I will leave this Friday in the house and he asked again if I really have to leave this Friday. I was so happy that at least he asked and when I told him that I’ll go to Taiwan this June, he thought that I’m going to stay there or study there, he asked why I want to go so far? Once again, I was touch and felt to cry… I told him about my decision to stay for another one month, which disproved by the Kementerian Pendidikan Malaysia, he asked why they refuse? Once again, I was touch, it’s hard for me to leave, and I told him that how much I love here and all the students here…
He told me some about his family and said that he hates his sister because she got everything that she wants and he can’t get what he wants most of the time… So I explained to him how I feel and think that his parents love him as well and told him that he should be the model to his other siblings and I knew that he is thinking about it. I asked him what he want to do after SPM, he said planned to go to KL and worked, still I advised him to study and only then work, it will help him a lot in the future. He knocked; hopefully that he got what I’m telling him. I asked if he smoked, drunk, he admitted and no racing anymore now. He even told me that his motor went in the police station 4 times already and wasted a lot of money for the fined. I asked him about his girlfriend and if he really loves her, he said yes, but when I asked if he really love her, he is not sure. I told him that I was surprised when I saw he coupled with her and told him to change her if he really love her, well, if not, then let her go and find somebody better than her. He kept asking me about what I knew about her, I asked him to find out by himself, then his friends came out said that they want to pray, so they went back.
I was so damn happy that he came and before he went away, I told him that do not let go, because I will not let go of him too. I even told him that no matter how many times he made me disappointed, I will never let him go but keep advice him.
At least he came and at least he cared… to make me feel that I’m not doing the wrong thing…
One more thing, when I said I will join the one week tuition this holidays, he looked at me and asked where is the tuition… as if he really care and he even told me that he is finding tuition centre now when I asked him if he remember our promise,,,
I was touch, really… How I wish that the time will just at that moment forever…
I never care about a stranger so much and I asked him if he feels that I’m weird and he knocked shyly…
Confusing period
May 20, 2006
9.45a.m hooi chuen is doing origami for her students, pei woon is watching the VCD, so called ‘VCD’ and I’m in the blue, thinking about the day we leave here.
I called Dr. Norren yesterday and asked her to get the letter from the urusetia so that we can extend for another month. However, we still need to wait. Waiting is a kind of suffering…
Zahid, Azali and Salihuddin came on Thursday. Zahid and Azali came first then only Saluhudin came. I talked a lot with them and give them advices, especially Din. He likes football, but he is unconfident as somebody push him once in the middle of the game and one of the teacher in Sungai Udang looked down at him when she got to know that he worked at a grocery shop. God! What happened to this world? It is nothing to ashamed of… and he hates her till now. I gave him advice and a proverb from K.S Maniam ~humiliation gave me wings~
I was quiet surprised when Azali told me about his experienced, as it does not match his personality, I mean someone that I get to know in the class…
Anyway, I still wish that he will find the answers to his problem very soon.
I went into Eric’s class on Thursday and I found that he walked away from me, I meant he tried to hide from me, as if he is afraid and hate me, dislike me… I felt hurt, so much…
I shared one poem and one good article that I found from the internet with form 5pd, only some of them in the class, and he is one of them who is not in the class…
When I get out of the class and went in again, he collapsed on the table, as if he tries to avoid something, tries to escape from me… My god! I felt the heart breaking inside me…
Tana saw me stood alone outside the staff room, so she asked me to follow her to the hall, drew her Ps project. I was hesitated for a moment, as I just followed Fizie to the hall just now and I saw him tried to hide from me. He looked upset, no mood, not like the usual him…
I tried to not look at him. I laughed with them and he looked at us once in a while. But still he is trying to avoid and escape…
The bell rang and I went to him and he was surprised to see me, yet he smiled and I asked him if he has thinking abut what I had talked to him and asked him to think for, he said he is thinking about it. I was happy to hear about it, and when I asked if he still remember the promise that he gave to me? He said yes and I said that promise is a promise and I hate when people bluff at me. He is a Christian as well.
I do not what is in his mind, but at least when I talked to him, his facial expression shown that he does not hate me?! I think so…
Hopefully he is not pretending… just to make me happy.
Dayang in my class asked me about my past and she said that her brother, Mahathir from Form 5pd said that I’m dahsyat. Hehe…
Tajjuddin and his sister treated me satay, my god! I was so paisei that I bought them grape as return. I was so touch anywhere.
The more they are nice to me the more I wish to stay…
Yesterday, two guys from Form 5sas2 asked me if I needed help as I’m carrying a lot of exam paper, they are Eric’s friend, who never so nice to me before and I just get to know that one of them, the most talkative one is the one that scolded hooi chuen. However, I do believe that everyone have their own way and thinking and he is good in some way. We talked a lot ad I treated them sweet and crispy.
God! When they mentioned Eric can talked well in Chinese and Iban, I just keep quite… I do not khow how to response and I’m wondering If they knew something too…
I went into his class to ask the map from Fizie and when I walked out, he was sitting besides the door and looked outside the class… he knew I was inside and once again I felt that he doesn’t want to see me. But he noticed as I walked closer to him, I saw there was a smile on his face. I pat his shoulder like a friend and asked he is okay, he knocked and said okay. Then, I walked out from the class. Hey! I saw he done his exam seriously. My God! That’s the happiest thing on Thursday; I meant the happiest thing that happened from the day I get to know him…
I do not know how far he could go, but for sure I wish that He will guide him… and I’ll leave something to him before I go away.
I talked to Teh and asked her if she think that Eric hates me for what I’m doing? She said no, for sure, but perhaps he does not know how to face me because of the promise that he has to keep and some sort of afraid if he couldn’t make it…
That makes me relief, really!
From 4sas1 students come to my house yesterday, asked how to improve their English and See Jie, Mei Ling and Sook Yin came as well, but Dayang and the gangs didn’t come.
We went to Senyum as there is discount and met Usof and Zahir, who can’t come to our house and we need to accompany Mei Ling and Sook Yin going back.
I talked a lot with see Jie and will be continue later.
Then go to a Malay stall in front Jeperun, where Fazerah and Balqis worked. But we only saw Fazerah. Then, the pat po hooi chuen over slept, we didn’t go to find Dayang at her shop.
We will go to Fizie’s shop this evening and I played message with him for a while.
Can I not leave her until I give them something? I love them so much that I wish to stay a bit longer and longer…
9.45a.m hooi chuen is doing origami for her students, pei woon is watching the VCD, so called ‘VCD’ and I’m in the blue, thinking about the day we leave here.
I called Dr. Norren yesterday and asked her to get the letter from the urusetia so that we can extend for another month. However, we still need to wait. Waiting is a kind of suffering…
Zahid, Azali and Salihuddin came on Thursday. Zahid and Azali came first then only Saluhudin came. I talked a lot with them and give them advices, especially Din. He likes football, but he is unconfident as somebody push him once in the middle of the game and one of the teacher in Sungai Udang looked down at him when she got to know that he worked at a grocery shop. God! What happened to this world? It is nothing to ashamed of… and he hates her till now. I gave him advice and a proverb from K.S Maniam ~humiliation gave me wings~
I was quiet surprised when Azali told me about his experienced, as it does not match his personality, I mean someone that I get to know in the class…
Anyway, I still wish that he will find the answers to his problem very soon.
I went into Eric’s class on Thursday and I found that he walked away from me, I meant he tried to hide from me, as if he is afraid and hate me, dislike me… I felt hurt, so much…
I shared one poem and one good article that I found from the internet with form 5pd, only some of them in the class, and he is one of them who is not in the class…
When I get out of the class and went in again, he collapsed on the table, as if he tries to avoid something, tries to escape from me… My god! I felt the heart breaking inside me…
Tana saw me stood alone outside the staff room, so she asked me to follow her to the hall, drew her Ps project. I was hesitated for a moment, as I just followed Fizie to the hall just now and I saw him tried to hide from me. He looked upset, no mood, not like the usual him…
I tried to not look at him. I laughed with them and he looked at us once in a while. But still he is trying to avoid and escape…
The bell rang and I went to him and he was surprised to see me, yet he smiled and I asked him if he has thinking abut what I had talked to him and asked him to think for, he said he is thinking about it. I was happy to hear about it, and when I asked if he still remember the promise that he gave to me? He said yes and I said that promise is a promise and I hate when people bluff at me. He is a Christian as well.
I do not what is in his mind, but at least when I talked to him, his facial expression shown that he does not hate me?! I think so…
Hopefully he is not pretending… just to make me happy.
Dayang in my class asked me about my past and she said that her brother, Mahathir from Form 5pd said that I’m dahsyat. Hehe…
Tajjuddin and his sister treated me satay, my god! I was so paisei that I bought them grape as return. I was so touch anywhere.
The more they are nice to me the more I wish to stay…
Yesterday, two guys from Form 5sas2 asked me if I needed help as I’m carrying a lot of exam paper, they are Eric’s friend, who never so nice to me before and I just get to know that one of them, the most talkative one is the one that scolded hooi chuen. However, I do believe that everyone have their own way and thinking and he is good in some way. We talked a lot ad I treated them sweet and crispy.
God! When they mentioned Eric can talked well in Chinese and Iban, I just keep quite… I do not khow how to response and I’m wondering If they knew something too…
I went into his class to ask the map from Fizie and when I walked out, he was sitting besides the door and looked outside the class… he knew I was inside and once again I felt that he doesn’t want to see me. But he noticed as I walked closer to him, I saw there was a smile on his face. I pat his shoulder like a friend and asked he is okay, he knocked and said okay. Then, I walked out from the class. Hey! I saw he done his exam seriously. My God! That’s the happiest thing on Thursday; I meant the happiest thing that happened from the day I get to know him…
I do not know how far he could go, but for sure I wish that He will guide him… and I’ll leave something to him before I go away.
I talked to Teh and asked her if she think that Eric hates me for what I’m doing? She said no, for sure, but perhaps he does not know how to face me because of the promise that he has to keep and some sort of afraid if he couldn’t make it…
That makes me relief, really!
From 4sas1 students come to my house yesterday, asked how to improve their English and See Jie, Mei Ling and Sook Yin came as well, but Dayang and the gangs didn’t come.
We went to Senyum as there is discount and met Usof and Zahir, who can’t come to our house and we need to accompany Mei Ling and Sook Yin going back.
I talked a lot with see Jie and will be continue later.
Then go to a Malay stall in front Jeperun, where Fazerah and Balqis worked. But we only saw Fazerah. Then, the pat po hooi chuen over slept, we didn’t go to find Dayang at her shop.
We will go to Fizie’s shop this evening and I played message with him for a while.
Can I not leave her until I give them something? I love them so much that I wish to stay a bit longer and longer…
May 17, 2006
I do not know that if what I’m doing right now is not the right thing to do. He seems to feel that I’m bore. I don’t know that if it is because I’m too busy body or I had scared him in some way…
Now I’m relieving his class and he shows me the face. Just now when he saw me, he just walked away and I’m so upset about it. Yesterday, he promised me a present, which he does not give me… I mind about the present as it shows how much am I in his heart. I care about how others perceive me, especially those I love…
Perhaps what I should do is stay away from his life…
I’m so disappointed when one of my form 4pa student told me that his girlfriend, the bitch ride a motorbike with bottomless shirt. God! I’m questioning about his personality, how could he chooses somebody like that if he is a good guy. My heart just keeps sinking each day, yet it does not prevent me from wishing to stay here for another one month
Now I’m relieving his class and he shows me the face. Just now when he saw me, he just walked away and I’m so upset about it. Yesterday, he promised me a present, which he does not give me… I mind about the present as it shows how much am I in his heart. I care about how others perceive me, especially those I love…
Perhaps what I should do is stay away from his life…
I’m so disappointed when one of my form 4pa student told me that his girlfriend, the bitch ride a motorbike with bottomless shirt. God! I’m questioning about his personality, how could he chooses somebody like that if he is a good guy. My heart just keeps sinking each day, yet it does not prevent me from wishing to stay here for another one month
Best Friend...
All the form 5 boys laughed at me and Eric said that we coupled or something liked that. He doesn’t dare to look at me and I knew that he was shy. When I talked to Annuar in front of the Bilik Kaunseling, his friends called his name and look at me. I pretended that I didn’t hear and he looked at me once in a while. I knew that he is shy, so after the bell rang, I stop him and talked to him in front form 3 class and his friends again laughed at us and Arnold tried to listen what I’m talking to him. I asked him if he always hang around and he said only sometime, but I knew that it’s the same to what he told me last time about the Math’s test and the form 4 syllabuses that he don’t know how to do. Then, I also said that don’t care about what they said about us and he knocked. Then, came Fahmi, who asked me several times to come to his kampung and I was too concentrate that I didn’t hear anything. What he done is punching the wall and both Eric and I laughed. I told him that he is so nice that he sang to me during the Hari Guru, with guitar and sunglasses and bow down, as if he is the Mexicon guy who plays the guitar to a girl.
To my surprised, we met him in the BSN bank with his mom. And at that time I’m doing a stupid thing, combed my hand with my hand and looked in the counter’s mirror. Then, Hooi Chuen called me and told me that there is Eric and blurly, I turned to look at him who later Hooi Chuen told me that he stood there for a couple of minuets and looked at my stupid action. I was shocked and laughed. What a shame, felt that no more image.
I asked him to come by, but he shocked his head, perhaps he was scared of his mom. After finishing withdrawal, I didn’t see him, perhaps he went away…
We slept till 5p.m and Seng Peng invited us to her house. I was so surprised to receive a message from Eric asking what I’m doing and I told him that I want to go out then he said that he also want to pay his friend a visit. Is a good sign anyway.
Yesterday, he looked at me for several time at the Talatak Ilmu and when others asked me to sign my name, he asked me to sign mine on a piece of photo, which is her girlfriend’s. I signed, but felt uneasy because of it. Anyway, it proved that I was important to him… at least, he asked me to sign on something that he feels important.
Tana and others told me that Eric is good now and I was touch. At first, I’m still curious about what they told me until tonight where we hang around with Annuar and Ogan at the Taman Peruna’s field. I sent him a message and asked him to step out if he is at home and he will saw something weird at the field. He came after 2-3 minutes and told me that he went to Pasar Malam. He looked at me from far as if he wants to come nearer, but he didn’t. So, I walked towards him and talked to him. He told me that he wishes to change and when I asked him when did he feels want to change. He said at the day I talked to him… I was touch and I never thought that I can change him so fast and I told him to keep going on even if I’m no more here. He told me about his girlfriend and he has two, all right? Which he is thinking about to break with the old one and I advised him choose only one. He has no good friend and he is not close to his parent, that’s why he went out most of the time. He got one good friend, who moved to Kedah and lost contact after he lost his handset.
He asked about my family and where do I live. I’m so happy.
After came back from Taman Peruna, I sent him a message to tell him that I’m willing to be his good friend forever. To my surprised, he sent me this ‘betul ke cikgu nk jd kwn sejati sy.dlm hidup sy ini hanya cikgu seorg sahaje.cikgu yg baik kat sy. tima kasi kerana sedarkn sy dr kesilapan.’ (Eric – 0173760584, 24May2006, 23:44:08) ‘Ye ke… cikgu ini lain dari yg lain la. ape2 pun sy akan igat sampai bile2 yg cikgu ni paling baik dgn sy di dunia ini.’ (Eric – 0173760584, 24May2006, 00:03:10) I wish that I could even longer and help him up…
At last, I knew that I’m doing the right thing and he is one of my hopes… Liked what I told him that day, no matter what I’ll never let him go, no matter how many times he made me disappointed.
I told HC, Seng Peng and Pei Woon that I would fall in love with this guy, if there is no Kent. Perhaps, I love the kind of guy like Kent.
Two more days and everything will be finish, if only time will come back all over again…
I wish to take him away…
To my surprised, we met him in the BSN bank with his mom. And at that time I’m doing a stupid thing, combed my hand with my hand and looked in the counter’s mirror. Then, Hooi Chuen called me and told me that there is Eric and blurly, I turned to look at him who later Hooi Chuen told me that he stood there for a couple of minuets and looked at my stupid action. I was shocked and laughed. What a shame, felt that no more image.
I asked him to come by, but he shocked his head, perhaps he was scared of his mom. After finishing withdrawal, I didn’t see him, perhaps he went away…
We slept till 5p.m and Seng Peng invited us to her house. I was so surprised to receive a message from Eric asking what I’m doing and I told him that I want to go out then he said that he also want to pay his friend a visit. Is a good sign anyway.
Yesterday, he looked at me for several time at the Talatak Ilmu and when others asked me to sign my name, he asked me to sign mine on a piece of photo, which is her girlfriend’s. I signed, but felt uneasy because of it. Anyway, it proved that I was important to him… at least, he asked me to sign on something that he feels important.
Tana and others told me that Eric is good now and I was touch. At first, I’m still curious about what they told me until tonight where we hang around with Annuar and Ogan at the Taman Peruna’s field. I sent him a message and asked him to step out if he is at home and he will saw something weird at the field. He came after 2-3 minutes and told me that he went to Pasar Malam. He looked at me from far as if he wants to come nearer, but he didn’t. So, I walked towards him and talked to him. He told me that he wishes to change and when I asked him when did he feels want to change. He said at the day I talked to him… I was touch and I never thought that I can change him so fast and I told him to keep going on even if I’m no more here. He told me about his girlfriend and he has two, all right? Which he is thinking about to break with the old one and I advised him choose only one. He has no good friend and he is not close to his parent, that’s why he went out most of the time. He got one good friend, who moved to Kedah and lost contact after he lost his handset.
He asked about my family and where do I live. I’m so happy.
After came back from Taman Peruna, I sent him a message to tell him that I’m willing to be his good friend forever. To my surprised, he sent me this ‘betul ke cikgu nk jd kwn sejati sy.dlm hidup sy ini hanya cikgu seorg sahaje.cikgu yg baik kat sy. tima kasi kerana sedarkn sy dr kesilapan.’ (Eric – 0173760584, 24May2006, 23:44:08) ‘Ye ke… cikgu ini lain dari yg lain la. ape2 pun sy akan igat sampai bile2 yg cikgu ni paling baik dgn sy di dunia ini.’ (Eric – 0173760584, 24May2006, 00:03:10) I wish that I could even longer and help him up…
At last, I knew that I’m doing the right thing and he is one of my hopes… Liked what I told him that day, no matter what I’ll never let him go, no matter how many times he made me disappointed.
I told HC, Seng Peng and Pei Woon that I would fall in love with this guy, if there is no Kent. Perhaps, I love the kind of guy like Kent.
Two more days and everything will be finish, if only time will come back all over again…
I wish to take him away…
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