Hate to wait

May29, 2006 Monday
I didn’t tell mom and dad the exact reason why I stay here for another one month. The only person that knew what exactly happen is Kent. He supported my decision; however I knew that he feels uneasy somehow, as I choose to stay because of another man, a 17 year-old guy. God! I’m crazy, right?
He promised to come last night but he made me waited for 2 hours. His dad sent him here and he looked at me one kind and asked if I’m angry, I said I hate him because he made me waited. I had waited for the whole night and felt want to cry, as I thought that he is lying and I’m afraid that he will let go… in a way, I’m afraid that I have made the wrong decision to stay here for another one month, I’m afraid that if he will let go and that’s mean I don’t have anything to lean on here anymore…
We only have a little talk and when he saw Ogan and Annuar planned to go, he started to feel uneasy and want to leave with them. I’m so disappointed, as I feel that he still afraid of me after all this while… when I asked him if he treated me as a friend or what, he said that he felt uneasy to treat me as a friend, he still keep the mind set that I’m his teacher. I felt hurt, so much, after all the talks that we had several nights before and the messages that we promised to be each other true friends…
I told him that my articles came out twice this weeks and both of it were inspirited by him through sms but he doesn’t reply and I think I know why, perhaps he can’t accept my way, I’m too open-minded for the culture and background he came from.
I walk with him till the junction and I asked him to treat me as a friend and find me some times, he said he will try…
I knew that he is trying to escape from me, but at the same time he never reject when I asked him to go out…
I called him after that and asked him to go to school and he will get to see something real strange in school the next day. And, I told him that don’t call me teacher anymore, but Brenda. He said he will think about it over later.
I waited for 45 minutes this morning for him to come, while HC waited for Ogan and Annuar. Both of them came at last, but Eric didn’t come…
After a long thought, then only I sms him to tell him to come for the 10.30 a.m session and come again for the tuition at night. He didn’t reply. I’m not daring to call… as he said he still can’t treat me as a friend, I felt like a fool!
HC told me that he speeded a van and smoked in front of them when Hc went to fetch Annuar and Ogan, when HC asked him if he want us to smoke with him, he stops. He admitted that he smoked once that day. When his friend came, he smoked with them out side our house and when one of his friends looked inside our house and raise his hand to me, I just can feel that he smoked again and his friend was keep watching for him. Luckily, before he went home, I asked him once again, he told me that he actually smoked twice. I like his honesty. Although his classmates who came for tuition told me that he lied some times, somehow I just believe that he won’t do that to me. I don’t know, I just feel at that way. Is a trust!
I’m so upset, the whole morning, felt want to cry, but I just can’t… Feel like a fool, waited and waited for something that I will never how it goes at the end and sacrifices so much for a guy that I only knew his birthday, his favourite color, his 4 siblings and a form 5 student will is going to sit for his SPM… I almost cry out, my heart sunk to the very bottom of the ground.
Liked Kent, every time he made me disappointed and I had misunderstood him, the truth will come out. Last night he made me waited for two hours, he actually didn’t lie to me, he tried to come, I knew it, if not he will not come after 2 hours. And, today when I thought that he didn’t come to the school because he is lazy and he just don’t want to come, he actually don’t have transport.
He sms me and told me that he can’t come, because he needs to fix his motorbike, I asked him to come for a while, he said all right, in 20 minutes he will reach. But, I waited for another 45 minutes tonight and still he didn’t come. I sent him a sad face and only then he told me that he was scolded by his dad and all his friends went back home after scolded by his dad. He even told me that he can’t go out like usual anymore, I do not know what to say and only asked him not to think too much. I asked him how about the tuition, he said don’t know. I was too direct and I told him that if he is not coming, I’ll stop and go back. He paused for a while. Am I too harsh? Did I push him too hard some how? Did my decision affect him in some way? I meant, caused to any trouble and pressure to him.
I wish to see him at school tomorrow…
I’m thinking about to give him the cross that Kent gave me and once I took it out I got Denggi and almost died two years ago to him, but Kent seems to be unhappy about it. I just want to tell him how important he is to me, but if it will hurt Kent, I don’t think it was something right to do anyway.
Tana, See Jie, Zulaika, Dayang, Fazerah, Balqis and her sis came for tuition this afternoon and when they saw Kent’s picture and compare to Eric’s picture, they said they looked a bit alike. Actually want to show it to Eric and I even write him a long letter which I read it over and over again… but he didn’t come, wish that he will go to school tomorrow.
I never feel hurt and care for something or someone for so long, but this time I just can’t explain… He means a lot to me and I wish to bring him along whenever I go, but because it will never come true, so the most important thing is that I can leave him with something that he can makes use for his whole life and make him a better person. He is a Christian and his mom is a pastor. I asked him to pray for his changes and pray so that I have the strength to change him from time to time, he said he asked his mom to pray. I’m so happy to hear that, I always believe that no matter where He wants me to go, there is His will there…