Come back from the camp

I just came back from the camp and I was not happy at all.
Eric invited me there and I thought that I could enjoy after what happened on Friday’s night. But it turned to the opposite side.
He only talked to his friends and hung around with his best friend, Darren. I felt totally leave out…
I didn’t talk much to him and some times feel that he is trying to avoid me… was it true, after all? I hate to be treated like that. And, may be at the same time, he feels the same way too, as I control too much.
He called his girlfriend and I thought that he said he didn’t contact them this lately. He talked sweetly beside me and I feel uneasy about that, as I felt being lied again. I do not know why, but some time I do doubted that if he is only playing fool on me. I just can’t stand anymore… the longer the staying the more suffered I am…
I quarreled with Kent and Kent said that he wanted to break for the very first time in our relationship and I was so upset that I need to talk to somebody. I found him and he kept saying that he is tired and want to sleep. He really hurt me, yet I kept asking him to talk to me for a while. I asked him how if tonight is the very last night that we are going to see each other and what he said is that I sounded like forcing. I kept coming back after that and told him about Kent and he said it was not good to make him like that and when I asked him does he think that was my fault too, he said he don’t want to mind other business and I was speechless and hurt. I beat his camp and said that he doesn’t care at all… about me. I waited and waited for him to come out and say something, but he is never going to do that. I felt totally hurt and I kept thinking about to let go and go back, end everything here and forget everything and those I love so much here…
Before that I went to toilet alone and do not know that they started the service. He miss called me and I didn’t even look at him during the service, although I knew that he is looking at me once in a while and he came to shake my hand during the praise and worship.
After the service, I asked him to accompany me to the toilet, but when he said that he is sleepy, I said it is okay, I can go there alone, just that I need a torchlight. He kept saying that he can accompany me. He didn’t talk much. On the way back, I told him that I heard God talking to me during the preaching. Only last night I got to awaken after all these while doing everything with my own ability and not the strength from Him. I said that he still can keep changing even if I go away, as He is the almighty that can do even greater than I am. He kept quite for a while and didn’t say anything. I didn’t even thank him and went to talk to his dad while he sang with his friends behind me…
His dad talked to me and said that he has high expectation and hope towards him, and he hoped that I can change Eric… another expectation and I started to feel the weight on my shoulder. I kept saying he is a good kid; just that he needs guidance and support.
The next morning, I met him on my way to the toilet and he asked shyly if I’m going to take my bath, I said nope! Then, I didn’t talk to him and only read my book. I think he knows what is going on. I talked to 3 pastors. One said I should asked myself how much I feel want to stay here, and another one said that to stay here shouldn’t be a burden for me, If it turns to be a burden, then I would have to go, as I suppose to enjoy, but not suffered and create problems. While the female pastor said that I should go as God put us in a place suit to the time He gave one, and when the time came, I have to go, not to extend and she asked me to evaluate my own emotion, as we are different sexes and this might invite the Satan to come in… I admitted that the Satan did come in once in a while…
But I still can’t make up my mind when they asked me if I have make my decision on the spot, as deep in my heart I knew that it is hard for me to leave now and it is impossible for me to leave… for the time beings… I pray for the whole morning and cried… I read the psalms all over again and again. I’m thirst of His guides and loves… I would never love Eric and other students so much if it is not because of Him…
Do I have to go?
His friends and he took bath and I went down also. I asked him to come, but he didn’t until I kept calling for several times. I’m sure that he tried to avoid seeing me… I apologized to him and asked him if he hates me, he said nope! I’m not sure of how far I could believe in him after so many stupid things I done to him… I asked him how much he loves me as a friend. 50%, 60%, 70% or 10%... he said he loves me but he can’t count it… then, kept saying that he needs to pack thing and went up…
Then, I talked to him nicely and told him that I’m angry with the way that he is talking to me last night and he said that is because he promised me not to lie and will only speak for the true. I was so surprised and speechless; he could be a good liar and big liar… for that. Yet, he spoke for the true any how…
I asked him to go for a movie one day before I went off and he said okay. Hopefully it is really a okay for him. I found that he is hesitated to help every time he saw I’m needed help… I don’t understand, but he did help me up sometimes. Perhaps, I treated him as a man for most of the time and I have certain expectation towards him as a man, so when he can’t do a thing that I asked for, I burst out easily… But, in fact, he is just a kid, perhaps it is too much for him to take… too much for his age…
He did asked me if I needed help when my things fall when I came out from the van, I said I’m okay and I can do it myself. I bit them farewell and I saw him turned his head and looked at me… that’s why it’s hard for me to leave… as I always see hope within him… no matter what he had done and how much he had hurt me…
Last night, some Indonesia girls asked me if I’m marriage, I said nope! They asked who is Eric, isn’t he is my husband? My God! I denied on the very moment and told them I was his teacher, I was so surprised… I’m 23 and he is just a kid! Even his sister thought that I was his girlfriend or sort of thing like that.
He sms me and told me that Arnold wanted to join the camp, but he does not have money, so I said I can lend him first. HC and I rushed back from Pantai Kundur and borrowed RM50 from See Jie’s mom, I was so ashamed, but for the sake of friend, I have to try my best to help.
He drunk 1 cup of alcohol in front of me, so I drunk twice and started to mumbling… he was scared and looked worried. That’s what I wanted him to feel. I talked to him and he accompanied me to walk around, until we have been scolded by two soldiers who stayed there, then only we got up to Arnold’s house. He told me that he used to suck gum and other friends as well and there was one time where they all saw ghosts rounded them and they ran with their entire mind, till one of his friends fell from the motorbike and broke his leg, he is the only one who came back and help. I was proud of him and told him that’s why I love him so much. He told me that he sold burger before, worked at hotel, road sweeper, golf keeper and one of the job that I can’t remember well what was it. He is marvelous!
He promised that he will never drink anymore and that night would be the very last night he drunk. He took it seriously and I’m happy for that. When HC sent me back, he kept asking HC to drive carefully for several times and when HC teased him to follow at the back, he said he can’t stand if he saw something bad happened later. I was disappointed and happy and disappointed and happy… confused. I said to him that I would him worry more and more, so that he can understand my worries better.
Kent can’t accept what I’m doing now, especially the scarifies that I have done for Eric… I tried to talk and seek for his understanding and support, or else, it is hard for me to continue on…
I gave him my new bought Ginvera mabel gel, hopefully it will help his pimple problems. I gave him CD that I burned by my own…
I hate myself! See Jie and Fazerah came to house and I talked to them. Fazerah said although there are a lot of nice teachers here, but none is like me… Hc said that she mentioned a lot about my good thing to her mom…
I sms Arnold and told him about Eric… he is a good listener and said that he will help me up to advice Eric. I didn’t sms Eric to come for the tuition but asked Fazerah to help, as I promised him that I’ll never find him from now on but he will have to find me some time. That would be better, I think?
To stay or to leave?
Yesterday, the fortune cookies told me that I will be run over by a beer truck and we laughed to die, because I just drunk a night before at Arnold house. And below is today fortune…
The myth of romantic love holds that once you’ve fallen in love with the perfect partner, you’re home free. Unfortunately, falling out of love seems to be just as involuntary as falling into it.